Friday, March 29, 2013


Ever since you were little, you were told to dream big. Well at least I was. I remember dreaming so big that I couldn't even keep up with my dreams. That was oh so many years ago. Here I am, trying to make my dreams a reality. Yet, I don't know how to do so.

Lately, I have been in a rut. A big rut. I find myself achieving my dream of getting a college degree, but I don't enjoy what I am studying. I thought about my future and I realized that I had no dreams after college. I began getting depressed. What were my plans? Where would the next five years take me? I'm studying something I am no longer passionate about. I ended my relationship with my cheating girlfriend because I deserve better than that. I have reached my personal limit of living in Logan and crave adventure constantly.

I feel stuck.

I feel as if my dreams are no longer dreams. They are liabilities. I suppose I am at the age where my future lies ahead of me. A blank canvas if you will. I have all of these choices to make. Do I start making my mark on this canvas with oils? Because oils are easy to work with. You can fix your mistakes over time. They dry slowly which ensures safety. Or do I start out with watercolor? Each stroke more and more beautiful. Right now I am just staring at this blank canvas of mine without a clue as to what my next move will be. It's hard to surround yourself with people who appear to have it all figured out.

After realizing all of this, my dear friend Chayse popped in to my head. He passed away exactly 11 months ago today. Whenever I talked to him, I was so motivated and driven for my future. He had such big plans, and they motivated me when he discussed them. He wanted to make the most out of life, and nothing was going to stop him. But something did stop him. His life was snuffed too short for him to achieve his dreams. I became overwhelmed with selfishness last night. Here I am, with no plans, and no drive. I feel miserable. Then to have my friend, who had such ambition, be taken from this world. Why couldn't we have switched places? To some, this may sound suicidal or something, but it is far from that. I love my life and all those who are in it. But why Chayse? Why is he gone, and I am still here?

I began feeling so guilty that those thoughts were in my head. I know Chayse would never want that, so I began to write all of the things I am grateful for. The list exceeded my expectations, as always. I began to be more at peace with myself and my future. There is a purpose as to why I am here. Nobody has life figured out. Times like these are when you need to rely on faith. Faith that it all has a purpose and will all work according to His plan and His timing. Some people have different trials and weaknesses, but there is always someone who has it worse.

So as for my dreams? I don't know yet, but I am starting to pick up the pieces. Slowly but surely I will land that dream job/internship. I will find someone who can show me that love is not just in fairytales. That one day I will become financially comfortable. That I will feel independent and strong. And I will continue to create more dreams and watch myself make them come true.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Cold As Stone

Here I am, once again, trying not to play this hurt out as a joke, but it's killing me. It seems as if life is filled with disappointments and constant reminders that there is no such thing as a "real-life-fairy-tale."

A few months ago, I was dating what I thought to be an amazing girl. One that would change my course of life. She was kind, gentle, and patient with me and seemed to soften this concrete heart of mine. We were both scared of commitment, but it was her idea to seal the deal and to not date anyone else. There I was, putting my whole soul in to one relationship. I thought that this one would be different. Everything about it was different. No pressure, no antagonizing, no effort. It was easy and I thought that the feelings I had developed could eventually be that four letter word that has haunted my past for so long.

A few months in to my "fairy tale," I noticed that perhaps she wasn't ready for this relationship. Typically, I am in that position. Wanting all of the advantages of being single. But nope. Tables were turned. Events and fraternity parties came up and she wanted to go. My feelings were hurt. Was our relationship not good enough for her? It was a slap in the face, one that caused me to shut her out of my life for a couple of days. I finally gained the courage to cut my losses and walk away with my head held high. Because I deserve better than that, right? As I gained the confidence to end the relationship, I told her I would pick her up for a drive. With the slow jams of City & Colour playing, I had all of the courage to end it right then and there. It wasn't until she spilled out her heart stating that she was foolish to choose those materialistic events over our relationship. Because what we had was "real." She wanted to show me how much I meant to her. I ate this up, and believed every single word she said. We began right where we left off, only this time it was better than it had ever been before. She was always so thoughtful of me. She would publicly show affection towards me. She would make me little snacks and drop them off at my place before class. She would constantly be thinking of me and it showed with multiple daily phone calls and text messages. I felt like a million bucks. Those three words were constantly in the back of my head. One Wednesday night, we were lying on my bed discussing our future and the lurking unknown. I felt it. Burning in my chest and throat. But I could never mutter those three simple words. (Now I am thankful I never said them. The vulnerability would have been humiliating and embarrassing.)

I planned a party at my place for her birthday. I invited a good group of people and we were to go out to dinner, and come back my place for a big birthday bash. I started drinking around 5 and was in a pretty inebriated state by 7-8. People arrived at 9 and I was just having a blast. I was in a state of euphoric intoxication. While the girl was taking some drunk friends home, a young guy felt the need to pull me in to other room to tell me that he had made out with my girlfriend a couple weeks prior to this party. Being in the drunken state, I didn't believe him. I had never been in this situation before. I immediately called up my best friend and sister to ask them for advice. They told me to just confront her about it and see what she says. I did so when she returned and she was appalled that somebody would say something like that. She promised that she was faithful and that I have been the only boy she has kissed in months. I wanted to believe her, because she had never lied to me before. But deep down, I felt torn. The girl I had been dating would never do that to me, right? I could never be that poor shmuck who dated an unfaithful girl. I kept on asking her, and the more I asked, the more she seemed bugged. I decided to stop drinking and decided to sober up. I went to bed after saying goodnight to my friends and she came in and tickled my back as I fell asleep. I just wanted to get this all over with. Why would this guy lie to me and make such assumptions about this amazing girl? She then slipped out of my room to drive home. As soon as she left, my mind told me something was wrong. I couldn't sleep. My stomach hurt. Not the hurt that comes from over-consumption of alcohol, but the hurt that comes from being lied to. I then receive a text stating that she wanted to talk. She came back over at 4 a.m. to tell me that she did hook up with this kid during those days in which I was giving her the silent treatment for choosing a Fraternity Formal over being with me. I then told her to get the fuck out of my house. *sorry about the language* But really. I couldn't eat, sleep, drink for days on end. I had never experienced a hurt like that before. I was the guy that would bring up the whole situation to any one who had ears. I would cry at the very thought of her being. I spent weeks drinking red wine while watching tear-jerkers screaming at the television. I would wake up with wads of tissues up my nose. I would leave class and run to my car just to avoid coming in contact with any mutual friends. I have never felt heart break like this. How could somebody feel comfortable lying to my face for over two months without any remorse?

Weeks passed, but the pain was still there. I had a gaping hole in my heart. Some days were better than others until at night when I was lying alone in my cold bed wishing I had the heat of another body to hypnotize me to sleep. I ignored phone calls, text messages, and homemade letters of apology. She was only sorry because she got caught. It has been over two months since this life altering event. She keeps trying to be involved in my life, but I have built this wall. This unbreakable wall against her. Regardless of how many times she comes crying to me stating she made a bad mistake. Bitter remarks come spewing out my mouth whenever I am with her. She never wants to give up on me because I am the best thing that has ever happened to her. I once was happy. She was the source of that happiness. Do I believe and accept her apology? Or walk away and hope to find someone who made my soul as happy as she once did. I have a fear that maybe I will never let somebody in again. Or that maybe I won't find someone as compatible and patient as her. She has changed my life. For better and for worse. But at what point do you say to yourself, "You have got to let this go?" When someone you once loved comes crawling back to you saying things will be different and that this whole thing could make you stronger, one cannot simply just walk away without flinching. We live in a hopeful world. A world in which we believe the best in people. So here I am, battling a war between my head and my heart. Deciding what risk I should take. There are risks in either scenario. I either walk away, with the pain of losing something so great. Or I could try again, and see what happens.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


Here I am again Blogosphere. Surprise Surprise

I always write about how weird life is and how change is the only constant in which we live. For the most part, I thought change was a sad thing. Something depressing. I have loved the past but tonight I had an experience that made me euphoric for change. I am beyond excited for the changes and for my future. Let me fill you in.

There is one girl in particular from my past that has made me who I am today. Both positive and negative things. In high school I thought that I was in love. I tried so hard for this girl but things never fell in to place as I had seen in movies and tv shows throughout my life. I've known this girl ever since the 3rd grade. Some may say it was lust as first sight. She was honestly my "first love." She helped me through my parents divorce. She was there for me even on my darkest days. She looked at our relationship as though it was too precious to take chances and risk what we had. We both lived in fear. Years went by and she made me angry, happy, depressed, content, lovestruck, and even more angry depending on the day. Things never worked out. Since they never worked out, there has always been that "what if" factor. It was always bad timing with us but I always thought that things would magically fall into place eventually. It had been that whenever I was in a relationship, she would want to try things, or vice versa. I guess you always want what you can't have. But it never worked out with us. It's been six years and my heart still hurts when I occasionally think about her. My stomach still tightens up when I see a text from her. We have remained friends, but we will never just be friends. It's been hard.

Well since Thanksgiving is this week she, and many other out-of-state friends, are in town. I went out to dinner with some old friends, and this one girl was included in on that. I hadn't seen her in months and was shaking as I walked in to the restaurant. As I embraced these familiar faces, I was relieved with how easy it was to fall back in to our old familiar conversations. It was as if we were still in high school. It was an odd feeling to me. They asked how some of my friends were doing and I returned the questions. Then all of the sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

My heart had changed. I no longer admired this beautiful young woman like I had before. I no longer felt the need to impress her with my witty comments and charming smile. I had moved on. This particular group of friends are exactly like they were in high school. Appearances have changed a bit, but their souls remain the exact same. I mean, I am not one to toot my own horn, but a lot of changes have happened in my life since high school. I believe most of them to be for the better, but who am I to decide that? I became overwhelmed with a feeling of relief and gratitude. For I have changed since high school. I am no longer that socially awkward teenager with Justin Bieber hair and braces. I am no longer terrified of being vulnerable by putting myself in to a relationship. I am no longer depressed about my parent's divorce. I am no longer being passive by letting people walk all over me.

I am a changed man.

I left that dinner feeling a bit overwhelmed by these emotions. I started counting all my blessings on that drive home and I was still muttering them as I pulled in to my driveway. Is this just a temporary high? I think the timing of God was perfect. It was just what I needed in my life at that exact time. I am so thankful for my experiences in the past five years that have shaped me and matured me in to the man that I am today. Cheesy I know, but Thanksgiving might be a tad bit different for me. For the first time, I am bringing my girlfriend around my family for a holiday. (THIS IS BIG FOR ME) For real though. I think I may be figuring out that love just might not be extinct. Have I found it's definition? Nope, of course not. But this feeling is something I have never felt before.

I think I might have to keep her around for a while.
Thanks for reading these friggen novels. Sorry my brain is all over the place tonight.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Sailing Away

I'm back blogosphere. Not sure for how long. I can't make any promises that I can't keep. But I'm back. For now. With a lot on my mind. Life has taken me all over the place. I've had to deal with my fair share of trials. Some are in these previous posts, but some are locked deep in my hardened heart and will rarely expose themselves. With each trial I look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel, the clear skies, the fresh beginning. But I don't always get that. I know, I know, I have so much to be thankful for and I know there are BILLIONS of people who have it worse than I do, but that doesn't make my life any easier. Some trials I am immediately grateful for, while others take me years to figure out the meaning behind the trial God gave me. But that's just it, there is usually always a reason as to why it has occurred. Whether it be my constant battle against love, because with every relationship I learn things that I had not known before. Whether it be family issues, because now I know how I want to raise my children and set examples for them. Or it could be through my schooling, because I should love my future and be excited for what is in store for me. So what I am trying to say is that there are blessings with every trial.

I promise.

But that is not why I am blogging right now. I have wanted to blog all day because of one single lady. My mom's dear friend. This dear friend's name is Kim. I have known Kim my entire life. Her children, a few years older than I, had always been around my older siblings. Well when I was 8 years old, I remember Kim's oldest son Paul was coming home from his mission from the Marshall Islands. Like any other LDS family, they were overjoyed with excitement about his return. Little did they know that he was bringing some temporary guests with him. I remember going over there with my mother and being encountered by a small Pacific Islander family in their kitchen consisting of a mom, dad, eleven year old son, and a newborn baby girl. They seemed nice, but a little shy. They left their country to better their lives and find opportunities in America. Well to cut the story short, the mom and dad found their opportunities but didn't see their children in that picture. Hemika(the mom) and Kalani(the dad) soon left Kim's home without their two children. Kim, being overwhelmed with her own five children as the one who was left with the two children. My mother, being the nurturing selfless woman she is, offered to help Kim out. We immediately took the baby girl in our care and watched her as if she was our own until Hemika would return. Well she never did and later asked us to adopt her. Just like that, Kourtney Kalani Snow was adopted in to our family. Well my parents wouldn't allow her brother to be left out so we offered to watch him and care for him as our own. We did so and adopted him 6 months later. It was a beautiful thing to come out of a not-so-beautiful situation.

Well anyway, Kim was the reason we took them in. Kim was a godsend and our family is whole because of her. Seven years ago, Kim was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It was shocking but her tight-knit family loved and supported her throughout the disease. Throughout high school, I slowly watched the Kim I know fade with her memory. It was extremely sad. That humorous middle aged woman was no longer the Kim I knew. Her life long soul mate stood by her side and was with her every step of the way. Kim passed away last week and I cannot shake it. My mother, being a Social Worker, worked with their family. Both as a friend and counselor. I got a call from my mother this weekend describing the most amazing event that took place at their home. Kim, being surrounded by her husband, mother, five children, and fifteen grandchildren just beamed with joy. Although she didn't remember any of them, she was content. Her ability to speak had diminished and she was just a being. My mother asked her questions but all she got in return were blank stares. Bill, her husband of over 30 years, decided to put on their wedding song, "Unchained Melody" from the movie Ghost. As soon as the first chords played through their stereo, she leaned forward, with a sparkle in her eye and motioned for her husband to come to her. He did so with tears in his eyes. She remembered. She began puckering up to kiss his wrinkled lips and he did so. She passed away the next day.

As I sat in the church during her service I immediately admired her family. They had known she was going to pass for seven years. They were prepared for it. While listening to their talks, all I could think about was me. Yes. As selfish as that sounded, I just put myself in to their shoes. What if that was me. Kim's youngest son, Joey took the stand and gave the most beautiful talk about how incredible his mother was and how he will never be able to dance with her at his wedding. As he said that, all I could think about was, "what if that was me?" I mean I began getting emotional for Joey. A youngest son is supposed to have so many wonderful memories with his mother throughout both of their lifetimes. But he only got 25 years of them. It made me think, what would I do without my mother? All of Kim's kids were saying the kindest things about her, but did they ever express those to her in person? or did they only have the courage to do so after she passed?

I flash-forwarded my brain to my parents funerals. It was me who was up on the stand giving those words about my parents. Only me. I was explaining how selfless my mother was and how she would truly give the clothes off of her own back to someone in need. How she was so service oriented that she paid her way to help me with my Eagle Project. How she would send me little text messages and packages after I told her I was having a rough day. How she loved her kids so much that she worked her ass for five years while her ex-husband was out dating around while not giving her an ounce of child support. How she magnified every church calling she had while maintaining forty hour work weeks while taking care of my little sister. And how I never heard one complaint come out of her mouth. I immediately became overwhelmed with gratitude and love during Joey's speech. I couldn't hold back the tears. I looked over to my mom, who was beaming at the words Joey was preaching and gently squeezed her hand. It was a beautiful thing. So what if I don't have my mother tomorrow? Or what if I woke up from a call from my step-mother telling me my father had passed? What would I do? What would I have done differently? Funerals are interesting things. They make you think a whole lot about life and your relationships. Well God has sent us here to learn and grow. I do know that. Within each relationship there is something unique to take with you. So hold on to those relationships. Cherish them. Appreciate them. And let them know how thankful you are for them. For you may not know when those relationships will be cut short. And as for me? I'm working on expressing my gratitude each and every day. Because your family are the ones that never leave your side. You're kind of stuck with them. And for that I am grateful.

Kim's oldest daughter quoted this poem and it made my heart a little happy:

A Parable of Immortality

"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!' Gone where? Gone from my sight ... that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she goes!' there are other eyes watching her coming and their voices ready to take up the glad shouts, 'Here she comes!'"

Henry Van Dyke

Tuesday, July 31, 2012


Hello, you. Sorry it's been a while. I first started this blog as a private journal. To write down my inner most thoughts and feelings and have complete strangers get a perspective into my life. I have always been a private guy. I never expose too much about myself. I then told a couple of friends about it, who then told their friends, which told their friends and relatives and I became somewhat embarrassed by how people I knew had complete access to my thoughts and feelings. It's interesting for strangers to stop by and give me their two cents, but when it's my peers and relatives I got a little weirded out.


Hence why I slowly stopped blogging. But then I realized that blogs are such an awesome way to express yourself without verbally expressing yourself. I didn't think too many people read this blog, up until a cute girl found me on twitter (shout out to @TannerAdell) and told me she was a fan of my writing and that she was bummed I don't blog any more. I was BEYOND flattered and shocked that someone I didn't really know likes to read my blog. I felt like Taza or something.

So here goes nothing. and thanks Tanner.

The world around me is constantly changing while I sit around and watch these changes happen. These past couple of months have been the most challenging and most rewarding of my life. One of my dear friends from freshman year passed away which shook my world more than I would have ever imagined. Chayse was a perfect example of living your life to the fullest without caring about judgements of others. Miss him. Death has been lingering around me for the past couple of years and it is something I don't know how to deal with. People can prepare for the beginning of a new life, but you are never prepared for the end of one. Especially one so precious and young. It was a hard time and I didn't think (and still don't) that it was his time to leave this Earth. Huge life lessons were learned. The hard way. It just so happened that the week of his passing was when a Management final was due. I did it. half-assed and got a C- in the class. I can't get below a C+ so that pushed my graduation date back a semester. I bawled. I cried. I laughed. I knew Chayse would be laughing too. I transferred my credits to the University of Utah where I thought I could run away from adding a semester on to graduation, but turns out you have to finish your last 30 credits there. It sucks. I want to be done with school so badly when the world is telling me to stay. Which brings me on to my next point.

I have been rushing to be done with school and now I don't even know if I am studying what I should be. My life is a joke. Full of so many choices and I don't know where to begin choosing them.

During this last semester I met a girl. Not a girl. A young woman. Who understands me from the inside out. She makes me happy even on the gloomiest days. When I first saw her in that International Business class I thought she was there by accident. Not that many beautiful girls are in my classes. Trust me. But I gained the courage to talk to her one day. We ended up studying together a lot. Turns out, she lives down the street from me back home and went to a neighboring high school. We both moved home for the summer and it has been the best summer of my life. I gave her warnings that I am damaged goods. Goods nonetheless, but I've got a couple cracks on this heart of mine. She simply responded that she doesn't care. Take it one day at a time and enjoy what we have here. It was then, that my heart softened a bit and I could even say that I like her. I like her a lot. holy shit. i can't believe i said that

So life is just dandy. We live in a world full of nothing but opportunities. Thankfully, I am surrounded by such an amazing support system. Starting with my family who pushes me to be better while also enjoying the little things along the way. Life is to be enjoyed, not endured. My awesome friends. Ever since Chayse has passed, I realized that friendships are precious. Be sure to enjoy them and to let your friends know how much you truly love them. Even if it makes them feel a little awkward. My friends put up with so much of my bullshit but I guess it's what they get for being around someone who is as much fun as me. Kind of kidding. Kind of.

But seriously, life is so damn short. You never know when it's gonna be snuffed short. So live it up. Enjoy the ride. If you're unhappy with something, change it. Don't wait for it to change on it's own.


Thursday, December 29, 2011

I'm Falling. .

I feel as if I am falling. Free falling from thousands of feet in the air. My sight is blurry. I can't seem to focus on what is in front of me. The wind rushes in my lungs and leaves a cold sting. Is this real life? Or is it just a bad dream?
This last week has been a difficult one for me to grasp and hold real. It all involved one of my favorite families in the world. The Christoffs.

Peter Christoff: the studliest of studs. He is about 45 years young. His family is his first priority. He works hard without ever muttering a complaint. Selflessness defines his character. He is a lover. Not a fighter. He gives to any one he comes in contact with. When I think of him, the word idol pops in my head.

Then there is Allyson. She radiates beauty from within. She has taught me more life lessons then she will ever know. She is a true Christian. Giving and complimenting at every opportunity. Hard working. She would take a bullet for anyone in her family. She is a rational thinker. Hesitant, but very intelligent. Mother.

Then there is Maddison. Hockey player. Yes, a female hockey player and no she is not a lesbian. She is the comedian of the family. She is genuine. She is more mature than any other 18 year old I have ever met. Confident. A person whom every one adores and wants to get to know. Loyal through thick and thin.

And last we have Alec. Also a hockey player. Much like his mother, he is a care-taker. He is a hard worker and very intelligent. He smiles while doing tasks and cares for every one else but himself. Many friends flock to him for advice. Athlete to the bone. Talented in more ways than he knows. Ladies man and gentleman. He seems like he has it all figured out for a 17 year old.

There's some prior background. This story all starts out with a 37 year old HR director of Gastronomy. Allyson didn't necessarily believe in love. Her best friend and father passed away when she was 17 and she truly believed that if she let herself get close to someone, they would die or leave her in the dust. She spent years in therapy hoping to learn how to let go and move on from her father's death. Being a natural care-taker, she helped raise her nieces and nephews (such as myself) and would take any opportunity to be with them, even though it hurt her inside that she didn't have any children of her own. One day, at work, she glanced outside to a 6'2" man with smooth jet black hair step off his motorcycle. You know, the kind of scene you would see in a 1970's romantic film. She was in trouble. He came in and applied to be a server and she instantly hired him. You could say, it was love at first sight even though she would never admit it. Long rides on his motorcycle turned in to evening dates. Evening dates turned in to meeting the families. Meeting the families eventually turned in to a a big fancy wedding. Allyson was 38 at the time. Her hope for marriage finally came true. Peter, who is 9 years younger, swept her off her feet.

They then started a family and were hospitable to all who needed it. Growing up, my parents were busy with starting various businesses that I often spent my weekdays surrounded by my favorite aunt and uncle with their two children (who became my best friends.) Years passed and his job took him across many international and domestic borders. They moved to Boston for 6 years and then moved to San Francisco where they have resided ever since. You may remember from previous posts that I often visit them. In fact, I spent a whole summer living with them and growing spiritually and emotionally. They nurtured me and continue to do so to this day. They are amazing. All four of them.

So on to the story. I am very close with each of them. I talk to them just about every other day. We Skype, Facetime, Text, E-mail, and spend countless hours conversing on the phone. When I face a dilemma, my aunt is the first person I call. Her wisdom and advice exceeds my expectations and she knows just what to say. Well a year ago, Peter got a job opportunity in Canada that he couldn't refuse. He had hit his limit in San Francisco and wanted something new. He took it even though the family wasn't quite ready for it. My aunt supported him in this even though her heart belonged in San Francisco. He began commuting there until they found a perfect home. Months passed, and tensions grew within their marriage. Allyson has never had perfect health, and Peter was always there by her bedside regardless of what his schedule consisted of. When Peter would arrive home, Ally had long lists of chores that he needed to do that she couldn't accomplish with her health. He began to dread coming home. This then created more complications in their marriage. BUT THEY'RE IN LOVE, RIGHT? Nothing could ever go wrong! They were perfect for each other. Admiring them that one Summer, gave me hope for the rest of my life! Maybe love did exist. I wanted to believe in it so badly and Peter and Ally were perfect for each other.


Peter never found that perfect house. He stopped looking. Peter's calls became less frequent. Peter's visits home became more scarce. Peter's character became more dim. Peter's voice was more cold. Peter just wasn't the same.

December came and Peter told Allyson that he wanted a divorce, just days before her birthday. This was a bomb. Like the bomb that hit Hiroshima. It was unexpected. It exploded beneath her feet and she couldn't quite re-group herself and find her balance. She spent days in her bed, ignoring loving phone calls from family. Her wine intake had increased. She wanted to be numb. How could the love of her life want to leave? That would never happen. The word divorce wasn't even in her vocabulary. They could work through this. With therapy and work, they could do this. Peter then came home for the holidays. No one expected it. He came home with a happy facade that they were still that perfect family that so many looked up to. He answered the phone with that chipper voice and asked questions as if he truly cared. . . but why?

While I was working on the 23rd of December, the vibrations on my phone kept going off in my right pocket. I am not supposed to have my phone while working on the sales floor, but I always did. and I am glad I did.

I then looked down when no one was looking. 5 missed calls from Maddison. My throat tightened a bit. I walked to the office and called her back. The sounds of when she answered are indescribable. I couldn't understand a word that was coming out of her mouth. Her voice was weak and her loud sobs made me cry. "Maddie! What's wrong? You're alright. Just breathe. Take deep breathes. Everything's going to be alright," I uttered in disbelief. "He's gone. I picked up my mom from her massage appointment with Alec and he is gone. He wrote me an e-mail that explains it all, but he just left. Without saying a word. Two days before Christmas." It was then, my heart cracked and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This was a joke, right? This could never happen to the Christoffs. Their life was too perfect. They had it all. They had the cute little house with the red door. The perfect dog that barked when you came home. The manicured garden that depicted perfectness. They drove the perfect black cars and had the perfect neighbors.

So they drove through the night from San Francisco to Salt Lake City, with their weeping mother in the back seat. The drive took them 12 hours just to be surrounded by loved ones on Christmas.

Christmas was a whole lot different this year. My immediate family had such an awesome Christmas. One of the best in years. We all learned the spirit of giving rather than receiving. My weekend was spent with my close cousins comforting them in their time of need. Giving them words of encouragement because my parents divorced not too long ago.

So you know what the moral of this story is? No one is perfect. You can look at someone and admire their life because you think it may be perfect. When in reality, everyone has their flaws. Every one has their various trials in life. And you know what I have learned? God doesn't give any of us more than we can handle. Family is so important. I am blessed to have one that is so supportive of all I do even though we may all be a little dysfunctional. I learned this Christmas that I am blessed and I don't thank God enough for all that I have. Every day, I live a life I should be proud of. So tell your families you love them during this season. Give thanks to your parents for how they raised you.

(image via)

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I Don't Wanna Be No Grown Up

Life is so funny.

It really is.

It always has a funny way of slapping you in the face while saying, "I told you so."

Growing up, I always made little promises to myself. I always desired something different. Something better. I always wanted to grow up. Be an adult. Live on my own. Go to a good college. Have my own car with my own music playing. No rules to live by. To meet some beautiful girl and to fall in love. Obviously not the love my parents exemplified. Hence their divorce. I was going to do things differently. I was going to do things my way. I was going to take the mistakes my parents made and learn from them. To be a better person. I just wanted to grow up and live a perfect life with no problems because I thought I was better than problems. I was smarter than that. I knew right from wrong. I couldn't possibly ever make mistakes along the way, right?


As I am sitting here, in my 21 year old body, I think to myself, "What have I even done along the way? How am I so messed up? How am I 21 years old?" I feel so old. I know most of you are thinking, "YOU ARE SO YOUNG!" But I am in Utah! Half of my friends from my freshman year are either married, or with children. I feel so old and so discombobulated. How did I think I would have it all figured out?

That's what's so funny. How naive your mind can be when you're 12 years old. You have the whole world in front of you and you think you can conquer anything that comes at you. I wish I was still that 12 year old boy. Prank calling girls at 11 at night. Riding my bike to Petsmart to purchase 12 cent gold fish and put them in my pond. Wondering what Pokemon cards I was going to trade with my neighbors once they got their allowance. Sleeping over at Cody's house and hoping his parents wouldn't find out that we toilet papered the neighbors with a whole 6 pack of t.p.

I wish I still had that mentality. That I could conquer the world. That even if things were terrible, that I could pick up the pieces and that I would learn and never settle for anything but the best. That I could never make those mistakes that my parents and peers made because I looked at them and felt pity for them.

Now how does one change their mentality on life? How does one have such a confident outlook on life? Because life hands you lemons and you have no idea as to what to do with them. Because your friend who had those exact same lemons decided to make lemonade and that lemon exploded and they got citric acid in their eye. So you see, I have these lemons. These lemons of all different shades of yellow. These lemons of all different sizes, and I have no idea as to what to do with them.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

One Day You Will

Yes. I realize that we're over. I realize you are with someone else. I want you to be happy. I want the best for you even if that isn't me. I see you. Everywhere. You look happy. But I can't help but think every time I see you, when my stomach tightens up, and my mouth goes dry, what if. What if things were different. But here I am, gazing at you from a distance. Acknowledging that happiness. Admiring that smile. And all I can do is wish you the best because someday I will have that same happiness. Someday you'll run into me and see how awesome I am doing without you. It just hurts. Seeing you. Over me. With him. While I have no one. Not even an interest. But I know that my future has great things in store. All I have to do is wait and keep learning. For one day I will.

"You can't have a better tomorrow, if you're still thinking of your yesterday." -unknown

Friday, October 28, 2011

Rollercoaster Life

I really shouldn't be blogging. It has been one hell of a week, I just finished watching Country Strong, I have taken a Xanax, I'm texting my ex-girlfriend, and I'm watching A Walk To Remember. These all make for a bad combination.

This past week has been a real tough one for me. I am not going to make this post some weird journal post where I spill out every emotion and feeling I have had, but it's been interesting. Really eye-opening. Where should we start. . . ? Maybe the day that I received an e-mail from a girl from my past that made my heart sink and my stomach tighten up. Isn't it funny? How one person can come back in to your life without even trying and flip your whole world upside down. It's always interesting to look back on the past. Truly analyze it with a more mature outlook. To experience those emotions that you have been hiding and ignoring for so long. Or the emotions that you tried to forget. They are always there, hiding, waiting to be released.

After overcoming that anxiety, I realized that I am a romantic. A romantic who wants to believe in love but just can't come up with any logical reasoning as to it's existence. Have I ever been "in love?"


Have I thought I have been "in love?"


But let me ask you this, in all honesty, what is love? what is the definition of love? I have been asking around and doing a lot of reading and I have come to the conclusion that it may be: "loving one other person more than you love yourself." That's the best definition I could come with, and I hope to experience it some day. In case you didn't know, I am an avid Tweeter, and a girl I am following tweeted, "There is not a better feeling than having a love reciprocated by someone with no doubts." For some reason, this Tweet made my mind explore things I didn't even think I could comprehend. I was up all night thinking about that. Have I ever experienced that? Maybe, but not really. Do I want to experience that? Of course! But what is stopping me? Could it be the fact that the only thing that relationships have in common is that they ALL END. Or maybe that heartbreak I feel whenever one of my relationship ends is almost more than I can bare and I don't even love the girl. Or maybe it's the fact that I am too stubborn to let other people know how I feel? A flaw I am aware of and definitely working on.

I'm sorry this post is all over the place, but my life is constantly revolving around that four letter word. LOVE. Everyone in my life talks about it, blogs about it, tweets about it, says it. I just don't get it. I hope to some day figure it out. So while I am on my journey to find love and it's meaning, be patient with me and maybe help me along the way. Until then, I'm learning.

P.S. I love my friends. They are so great. I am constantly surrounded by people who love me and are always there for me. God may not have sent me with the gift to love and have some eternal soul mate, but my friends are the best damn friends on this earth and for that, I am so blessed.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Why Do I Run?

I did it. I ran the St. George marathon for the 3rd time.

I was super stoked up until 2 weeks prior to the race. My sister planned on having her and 11 of her friends to go run Napa Valley Ragnar the 2nd week of September. I was jealous so I told her that if she were to need someone, to count me in. Well, one of her friends backed out so I was in. I was soooo stoked. I love Ragnar Relays. If you haven't done one, then do it as soon as you can. Well we were all stoked about it, then one by one my sister's friends ALL backed out. No joke. So we asked my friends. Me and 3 of my friends were all planning on it. I trained really well for it because I needed to qualify for the Boston marathon this year. I ran with my friends a couple of times and then one by one, my friends all backed out as well. Minus Zeek. The biggest flake of all my friends. He held true to his word and ran it with me. We drove to San Francisco and stayed with my family there and hardly got any sleep. I was nervous because we were running with 8 of 12 runners so Stacey, her friend, and I had to make up the other legs. I ended up running a total of 31 miles and pulled 2 ligaments out of my ankle including my achilles. You should have seen it. It was YUGE. It was fun. But I was miserable.

So I went to a physical therapist and he insisted on me not running the marathon. Jokes on him. I wasn't going to let 4 months of training to go down the drain. So I went. Naturally. I was excited about it. There's something about the St. George Marathon that just excites me. It's such a well-organized race with hundreds of awesome volunteers and spectators. Plus, my best friend Kara was down there and is always with my family at the finish line. It was awesome. So I started fairly strong. I was setting a good pace to qualify for Boston up until mile 4 when my ankle cramped up and my sister's headphones went out. Me, being the gentlemen I am, gave my sister mine so I could leave her and know that she would finish strong. Mile 10 came up, and the pain shooting through my right leg/ankle was excruciating and I knew that once I stopped I wouldn't be able to start up again. I ran through the pain and finished in an hour longer than expected. Atleast I finished, right? There is always next year to qualify. If I'm still living after this ankle injury. Keep me in your prayers.