Lately, I have been in a rut. A big rut. I find myself achieving my dream of getting a college degree, but I don't enjoy what I am studying. I thought about my future and I realized that I had no dreams after college. I began getting depressed. What were my plans? Where would the next five years take me? I'm studying something I am no longer passionate about. I ended my relationship with my cheating girlfriend because I deserve better than that. I have reached my personal limit of living in Logan and crave adventure constantly.
I feel stuck.
I feel as if my dreams are no longer dreams. They are liabilities. I suppose I am at the age where my future lies ahead of me. A blank canvas if you will. I have all of these choices to make. Do I start making my mark on this canvas with oils? Because oils are easy to work with. You can fix your mistakes over time. They dry slowly which ensures safety. Or do I start out with watercolor? Each stroke more and more beautiful. Right now I am just staring at this blank canvas of mine without a clue as to what my next move will be. It's hard to surround yourself with people who appear to have it all figured out.
After realizing all of this, my dear friend Chayse popped in to my head. He passed away exactly 11 months ago today. Whenever I talked to him, I was so motivated and driven for my future. He had such big plans, and they motivated me when he discussed them. He wanted to make the most out of life, and nothing was going to stop him. But something did stop him. His life was snuffed too short for him to achieve his dreams. I became overwhelmed with selfishness last night. Here I am, with no plans, and no drive. I feel miserable. Then to have my friend, who had such ambition, be taken from this world. Why couldn't we have switched places? To some, this may sound suicidal or something, but it is far from that. I love my life and all those who are in it. But why Chayse? Why is he gone, and I am still here?
I began feeling so guilty that those thoughts were in my head. I know Chayse would never want that, so I began to write all of the things I am grateful for. The list exceeded my expectations, as always. I began to be more at peace with myself and my future. There is a purpose as to why I am here. Nobody has life figured out. Times like these are when you need to rely on faith. Faith that it all has a purpose and will all work according to His plan and His timing. Some people have different trials and weaknesses, but there is always someone who has it worse.
So as for my dreams? I don't know yet, but I am starting to pick up the pieces. Slowly but surely I will land that dream job/internship. I will find someone who can show me that love is not just in fairytales. That one day I will become financially comfortable. That I will feel independent and strong. And I will continue to create more dreams and watch myself make them come true.