Thursday, December 29, 2011

I'm Falling. .

I feel as if I am falling. Free falling from thousands of feet in the air. My sight is blurry. I can't seem to focus on what is in front of me. The wind rushes in my lungs and leaves a cold sting. Is this real life? Or is it just a bad dream?
This last week has been a difficult one for me to grasp and hold real. It all involved one of my favorite families in the world. The Christoffs.

Peter Christoff: the studliest of studs. He is about 45 years young. His family is his first priority. He works hard without ever muttering a complaint. Selflessness defines his character. He is a lover. Not a fighter. He gives to any one he comes in contact with. When I think of him, the word idol pops in my head.

Then there is Allyson. She radiates beauty from within. She has taught me more life lessons then she will ever know. She is a true Christian. Giving and complimenting at every opportunity. Hard working. She would take a bullet for anyone in her family. She is a rational thinker. Hesitant, but very intelligent. Mother.

Then there is Maddison. Hockey player. Yes, a female hockey player and no she is not a lesbian. She is the comedian of the family. She is genuine. She is more mature than any other 18 year old I have ever met. Confident. A person whom every one adores and wants to get to know. Loyal through thick and thin.

And last we have Alec. Also a hockey player. Much like his mother, he is a care-taker. He is a hard worker and very intelligent. He smiles while doing tasks and cares for every one else but himself. Many friends flock to him for advice. Athlete to the bone. Talented in more ways than he knows. Ladies man and gentleman. He seems like he has it all figured out for a 17 year old.

There's some prior background. This story all starts out with a 37 year old HR director of Gastronomy. Allyson didn't necessarily believe in love. Her best friend and father passed away when she was 17 and she truly believed that if she let herself get close to someone, they would die or leave her in the dust. She spent years in therapy hoping to learn how to let go and move on from her father's death. Being a natural care-taker, she helped raise her nieces and nephews (such as myself) and would take any opportunity to be with them, even though it hurt her inside that she didn't have any children of her own. One day, at work, she glanced outside to a 6'2" man with smooth jet black hair step off his motorcycle. You know, the kind of scene you would see in a 1970's romantic film. She was in trouble. He came in and applied to be a server and she instantly hired him. You could say, it was love at first sight even though she would never admit it. Long rides on his motorcycle turned in to evening dates. Evening dates turned in to meeting the families. Meeting the families eventually turned in to a a big fancy wedding. Allyson was 38 at the time. Her hope for marriage finally came true. Peter, who is 9 years younger, swept her off her feet.

They then started a family and were hospitable to all who needed it. Growing up, my parents were busy with starting various businesses that I often spent my weekdays surrounded by my favorite aunt and uncle with their two children (who became my best friends.) Years passed and his job took him across many international and domestic borders. They moved to Boston for 6 years and then moved to San Francisco where they have resided ever since. You may remember from previous posts that I often visit them. In fact, I spent a whole summer living with them and growing spiritually and emotionally. They nurtured me and continue to do so to this day. They are amazing. All four of them.

So on to the story. I am very close with each of them. I talk to them just about every other day. We Skype, Facetime, Text, E-mail, and spend countless hours conversing on the phone. When I face a dilemma, my aunt is the first person I call. Her wisdom and advice exceeds my expectations and she knows just what to say. Well a year ago, Peter got a job opportunity in Canada that he couldn't refuse. He had hit his limit in San Francisco and wanted something new. He took it even though the family wasn't quite ready for it. My aunt supported him in this even though her heart belonged in San Francisco. He began commuting there until they found a perfect home. Months passed, and tensions grew within their marriage. Allyson has never had perfect health, and Peter was always there by her bedside regardless of what his schedule consisted of. When Peter would arrive home, Ally had long lists of chores that he needed to do that she couldn't accomplish with her health. He began to dread coming home. This then created more complications in their marriage. BUT THEY'RE IN LOVE, RIGHT? Nothing could ever go wrong! They were perfect for each other. Admiring them that one Summer, gave me hope for the rest of my life! Maybe love did exist. I wanted to believe in it so badly and Peter and Ally were perfect for each other.

wrong

Peter never found that perfect house. He stopped looking. Peter's calls became less frequent. Peter's visits home became more scarce. Peter's character became more dim. Peter's voice was more cold. Peter just wasn't the same.

December came and Peter told Allyson that he wanted a divorce, just days before her birthday. This was a bomb. Like the bomb that hit Hiroshima. It was unexpected. It exploded beneath her feet and she couldn't quite re-group herself and find her balance. She spent days in her bed, ignoring loving phone calls from family. Her wine intake had increased. She wanted to be numb. How could the love of her life want to leave? That would never happen. The word divorce wasn't even in her vocabulary. They could work through this. With therapy and work, they could do this. Peter then came home for the holidays. No one expected it. He came home with a happy facade that they were still that perfect family that so many looked up to. He answered the phone with that chipper voice and asked questions as if he truly cared. . . but why?

While I was working on the 23rd of December, the vibrations on my phone kept going off in my right pocket. I am not supposed to have my phone while working on the sales floor, but I always did. and I am glad I did.

I then looked down when no one was looking. 5 missed calls from Maddison. My throat tightened a bit. I walked to the office and called her back. The sounds of when she answered are indescribable. I couldn't understand a word that was coming out of her mouth. Her voice was weak and her loud sobs made me cry. "Maddie! What's wrong? You're alright. Just breathe. Take deep breathes. Everything's going to be alright," I uttered in disbelief. "He's gone. I picked up my mom from her massage appointment with Alec and he is gone. He wrote me an e-mail that explains it all, but he just left. Without saying a word. Two days before Christmas." It was then, my heart cracked and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This was a joke, right? This could never happen to the Christoffs. Their life was too perfect. They had it all. They had the cute little house with the red door. The perfect dog that barked when you came home. The manicured garden that depicted perfectness. They drove the perfect black cars and had the perfect neighbors.

So they drove through the night from San Francisco to Salt Lake City, with their weeping mother in the back seat. The drive took them 12 hours just to be surrounded by loved ones on Christmas.

Christmas was a whole lot different this year. My immediate family had such an awesome Christmas. One of the best in years. We all learned the spirit of giving rather than receiving. My weekend was spent with my close cousins comforting them in their time of need. Giving them words of encouragement because my parents divorced not too long ago.

So you know what the moral of this story is? No one is perfect. You can look at someone and admire their life because you think it may be perfect. When in reality, everyone has their flaws. Every one has their various trials in life. And you know what I have learned? God doesn't give any of us more than we can handle. Family is so important. I am blessed to have one that is so supportive of all I do even though we may all be a little dysfunctional. I learned this Christmas that I am blessed and I don't thank God enough for all that I have. Every day, I live a life I should be proud of. So tell your families you love them during this season. Give thanks to your parents for how they raised you.

(image via)

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I Don't Wanna Be No Grown Up

Life is so funny.

It really is.

It always has a funny way of slapping you in the face while saying, "I told you so."

Growing up, I always made little promises to myself. I always desired something different. Something better. I always wanted to grow up. Be an adult. Live on my own. Go to a good college. Have my own car with my own music playing. No rules to live by. To meet some beautiful girl and to fall in love. Obviously not the love my parents exemplified. Hence their divorce. I was going to do things differently. I was going to do things my way. I was going to take the mistakes my parents made and learn from them. To be a better person. I just wanted to grow up and live a perfect life with no problems because I thought I was better than problems. I was smarter than that. I knew right from wrong. I couldn't possibly ever make mistakes along the way, right?

wrong

As I am sitting here, in my 21 year old body, I think to myself, "What have I even done along the way? How am I so messed up? How am I 21 years old?" I feel so old. I know most of you are thinking, "YOU ARE SO YOUNG!" But I am in Utah! Half of my friends from my freshman year are either married, or with children. I feel so old and so discombobulated. How did I think I would have it all figured out?

That's what's so funny. How naive your mind can be when you're 12 years old. You have the whole world in front of you and you think you can conquer anything that comes at you. I wish I was still that 12 year old boy. Prank calling girls at 11 at night. Riding my bike to Petsmart to purchase 12 cent gold fish and put them in my pond. Wondering what Pokemon cards I was going to trade with my neighbors once they got their allowance. Sleeping over at Cody's house and hoping his parents wouldn't find out that we toilet papered the neighbors with a whole 6 pack of t.p.

I wish I still had that mentality. That I could conquer the world. That even if things were terrible, that I could pick up the pieces and that I would learn and never settle for anything but the best. That I could never make those mistakes that my parents and peers made because I looked at them and felt pity for them.

Now how does one change their mentality on life? How does one have such a confident outlook on life? Because life hands you lemons and you have no idea as to what to do with them. Because your friend who had those exact same lemons decided to make lemonade and that lemon exploded and they got citric acid in their eye. So you see, I have these lemons. These lemons of all different shades of yellow. These lemons of all different sizes, and I have no idea as to what to do with them.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

One Day You Will

Yes. I realize that we're over. I realize you are with someone else. I want you to be happy. I want the best for you even if that isn't me. I see you. Everywhere. You look happy. But I can't help but think every time I see you, when my stomach tightens up, and my mouth goes dry, what if. What if things were different. But here I am, gazing at you from a distance. Acknowledging that happiness. Admiring that smile. And all I can do is wish you the best because someday I will have that same happiness. Someday you'll run into me and see how awesome I am doing without you. It just hurts. Seeing you. Over me. With him. While I have no one. Not even an interest. But I know that my future has great things in store. All I have to do is wait and keep learning. For one day I will.

"You can't have a better tomorrow, if you're still thinking of your yesterday." -unknown

Friday, October 28, 2011

Rollercoaster Life

I really shouldn't be blogging. It has been one hell of a week, I just finished watching Country Strong, I have taken a Xanax, I'm texting my ex-girlfriend, and I'm watching A Walk To Remember. These all make for a bad combination.

This past week has been a real tough one for me. I am not going to make this post some weird journal post where I spill out every emotion and feeling I have had, but it's been interesting. Really eye-opening. Where should we start. . . ? Maybe the day that I received an e-mail from a girl from my past that made my heart sink and my stomach tighten up. Isn't it funny? How one person can come back in to your life without even trying and flip your whole world upside down. It's always interesting to look back on the past. Truly analyze it with a more mature outlook. To experience those emotions that you have been hiding and ignoring for so long. Or the emotions that you tried to forget. They are always there, hiding, waiting to be released.

After overcoming that anxiety, I realized that I am a romantic. A romantic who wants to believe in love but just can't come up with any logical reasoning as to it's existence. Have I ever been "in love?"

NO

Have I thought I have been "in love?"

yes

But let me ask you this, in all honesty, what is love? what is the definition of love? I have been asking around and doing a lot of reading and I have come to the conclusion that it may be: "loving one other person more than you love yourself." That's the best definition I could come with, and I hope to experience it some day. In case you didn't know, I am an avid Tweeter, and a girl I am following tweeted, "There is not a better feeling than having a love reciprocated by someone with no doubts." For some reason, this Tweet made my mind explore things I didn't even think I could comprehend. I was up all night thinking about that. Have I ever experienced that? Maybe, but not really. Do I want to experience that? Of course! But what is stopping me? Could it be the fact that the only thing that relationships have in common is that they ALL END. Or maybe that heartbreak I feel whenever one of my relationship ends is almost more than I can bare and I don't even love the girl. Or maybe it's the fact that I am too stubborn to let other people know how I feel? A flaw I am aware of and definitely working on.

I'm sorry this post is all over the place, but my life is constantly revolving around that four letter word. LOVE. Everyone in my life talks about it, blogs about it, tweets about it, says it. I just don't get it. I hope to some day figure it out. So while I am on my journey to find love and it's meaning, be patient with me and maybe help me along the way. Until then, I'm learning.




P.S. I love my friends. They are so great. I am constantly surrounded by people who love me and are always there for me. God may not have sent me with the gift to love and have some eternal soul mate, but my friends are the best damn friends on this earth and for that, I am so blessed.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Why Do I Run?

I did it. I ran the St. George marathon for the 3rd time.

I was super stoked up until 2 weeks prior to the race. My sister planned on having her and 11 of her friends to go run Napa Valley Ragnar the 2nd week of September. I was jealous so I told her that if she were to need someone, to count me in. Well, one of her friends backed out so I was in. I was soooo stoked. I love Ragnar Relays. If you haven't done one, then do it as soon as you can. Well we were all stoked about it, then one by one my sister's friends ALL backed out. No joke. So we asked my friends. Me and 3 of my friends were all planning on it. I trained really well for it because I needed to qualify for the Boston marathon this year. I ran with my friends a couple of times and then one by one, my friends all backed out as well. Minus Zeek. The biggest flake of all my friends. He held true to his word and ran it with me. We drove to San Francisco and stayed with my family there and hardly got any sleep. I was nervous because we were running with 8 of 12 runners so Stacey, her friend, and I had to make up the other legs. I ended up running a total of 31 miles and pulled 2 ligaments out of my ankle including my achilles. You should have seen it. It was YUGE. It was fun. But I was miserable.





So I went to a physical therapist and he insisted on me not running the marathon. Jokes on him. I wasn't going to let 4 months of training to go down the drain. So I went. Naturally. I was excited about it. There's something about the St. George Marathon that just excites me. It's such a well-organized race with hundreds of awesome volunteers and spectators. Plus, my best friend Kara was down there and is always with my family at the finish line. It was awesome. So I started fairly strong. I was setting a good pace to qualify for Boston up until mile 4 when my ankle cramped up and my sister's headphones went out. Me, being the gentlemen I am, gave my sister mine so I could leave her and know that she would finish strong. Mile 10 came up, and the pain shooting through my right leg/ankle was excruciating and I knew that once I stopped I wouldn't be able to start up again. I ran through the pain and finished in an hour longer than expected. Atleast I finished, right? There is always next year to qualify. If I'm still living after this ankle injury. Keep me in your prayers.


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Welcome Back to the 435

oh hey.

I lied. Ok, I didn't lie. I simply became too busy to blog. I know you were all dying without my blog updates (sarcasm) so here I go.

I am back up in my favorite town. Logan, Utah I had high expectations for this year because of a lot of things. I went in with the attitude that I could pick up right where I left off. I am living with 2 of my best friends. I was dating the most beautiful girl on campus. I was getting set up with an awesome on-campus job. I was taking classes that I needed in order to graduate at my expected time. and I was going to volunteer with as many on campus service groups as possible.

Then reality sank in, and life threw a big fat shoe straight at my head.

Things are different. A lot can happen within 4 months. Some people are married now, some are engaged, some go on missions, and a ton have transferred schools. Every semester up here is completely different.

Yeah, I live with my best friends but we are hardly ever home at the same time. We all have different schedules, different jobs, different activities. Nonetheless, I love where I live and who I live with. It's been awesome.

Now on to the romance part . . .woof. Yeah, it's been a rollercoaster and who cares if I spend most of my time laying in my bed watching 500 Days of Summer while sipping on red wine. Are you going to judge me? Don't be silly. Of course not. Pretty much girl wants to be with me when it's convenient for her. (which is not convenient for me) So here I am, reading Cole's blog post wondering why I even let my heart open up like that. Whatever. I just need a good derf and then I'll be on my way.

Oh and most of my classes that I needed were full. No big deal, it may push my graduation date back another semester. We'll see.

Oh and I didn't land that awesome on campus job so it looks like I'll be spending a lot of my time working at Einsteins. again. for the 5th year in a row.

But the positive thing is that I do have a lot of time for service this semester. I have a feeling that it's going to be a rough, challenging semester but I am always up for a good challenge.

The football game was fun last week. (never thought I would ever hear myself saying that about a USU football game)



Well that was a real quick post, but you guys get the gist. I've missed the blogging world. I will be updating more frequently. Don't you fret. But I guess that the name of this blog is accurately correct again. Lonely Boy. lulz. I will be running the Napa Valley Ragnar relay this weekend! My best friend backed out, so it looks as if I will be running 41 miles in 24 hours. Pray for me. Until next time.
Lonely Boy

Monday, August 8, 2011

Mother Teresa

I wanted to start this post off with a photo, but my computer has been on the fritz and isn't allowing me. Sorry if it's boring.

I've always been inspired by my mom, but only recently have I truly been astounded by her as a being. Every one says they have the greatest parents, but I really am so lucky to have the ones I have. My mom is wonder woman. She has been through hell and back and still has a smile on her face. She is the most selfless person I have ever met and I don't know how she does it.

Hm. . where to begin. . My mom has had struggles that not that many people can overcome with such diligence. She is the youngest of 4 children by 16 years. She wasn't too close to her siblings in her childhood because when she went out with them, people would assume that her sisters were here mother. All of her siblings were married by the time my mom was 8 and so she grew up somewhat isolated but remained close to her friends and her parents. My mom always valued education and even when she married my father at the age of 20, she continued on with school even while having children. She graduated from BYU, and went on to Grad School at the U for Social Work. After having my 2 older sisters, her mother passed away of a heart attack. Something that would take years for my mom to cope with. My mom was always a helper. She helped my dad out while starting various businesses. She helped my grandpa when he was too old to live by himself. She always missed work when it came to class projects and show and tell. My mother was always there. She never got much recognition while growing up and it somewhat makes me sad. My mother even opened up her heart to 2 more children. My adopted brother and sister. She knew it was right and loves them as if they are her own. It wasn't an easy process, but she knew it would be worth it. After adopting them, my mom went back to the Marshall Islands (where my brother and sister are from) for a humanitarian trip. After coming back, she decided she wanted to open up an adoption agency. She immediately went to work while still maintaining 40 hours a week at work, being a full time mom, and still hanging out with her friends and husband. She opened up the adoption agency and saved hundreds of lives. One of the many things I admire her for. She has always put others first, a quality I wish I could obtain. After she opened the agency in 2001, her father then passed away of cancer. Another low blow in her life. She trudged on and still knew she had to keep going. I gave her a lot of grief through junior high and high school, especially when my parents told me they were getting a divorce in the 9th grade. I was angry and blamed my mom. My dad moved out to Sandy and my mom moved 8 houses down to a smaller home still in my high school boundaries. A sacrifice she made for me. She wasn't receiving any financial assistance from my dad and still managed to buy a house and raise her kids in her home. Her faith never wavered and she was always still strong in the church. Throughout the past years, we've been close and we've been distant but her love for me never changed. She has always been supportive in whatever I have chosen to do. She is always there for every choir performance. She is always there at the finish line of every race. She is always there on the other end of the phone when I need her help and advice. She is always there when I need help moving out. My mother is always there for me. She would drop (and has done it countless times) anything for any of her children. She has the biggest heart. She always works 110% with everything she is given. She was recently put in as the Relief Society President of our ward. Something she was confused about. "Why would the Lord put a 50 year old single divorcee as an example for the ladies of the ward?" Because she's amazing.

Lately I have found myself bragging about my mom to everyone I come in contact with. She's amazing. This post may be boring to most of you, but I've been wanting to write this for a very long time. So thank you mom! For simply making this world a better one. Love you.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

You Get This A Lot

Sorry Blogger World, I neglected you once again. I just get caught up in life and often forget about my blog until I receive some text messages from friends and loved ones that tell me I need to start blogging. Well, I'll be better. I promise.

I deactivated my Facebook for a couple weeks because it was starting to take over my life and it caused some unnecessary drama. Whenever I do this, I resort to blog stalking and have been truly inspired by a lot of your blogs. Boy have I been missing out these past couple of months.

I will just go right in to telling you what my Summer has consisted of. It has had it's ups and downs. I have felt euphoric happiness and also wallowing loneliness. I have felt more broke than MC Hammer and felt as wealthy as a Kardashian. I've worked a lot, and played a lot. I've put myself out there and experienced things I have never encountered. I have made some new awesome friends and distanced myself from others. I've read some interesting books while learning life lessons with each chapter. I've learned to love myself and have grown as a human being.





Let's start back in May. I finished an awesome semester of school, met a ton more people (one girl in particular), and tested my patience by living in a house with 2 roommates who drove me nuts. I got pretty good grades, worked a lot, and looked forward to the Summer. In the middle of May, I took part in a roadtrip/drive to work with my best friend Jeff. While driving, we managed to get one speeding ticket, locked the keys in the car, almost got in an accident, got flashed by 3 teenage girls, and almost hit a deer. We stopped in Vegas for a night and did some gambling and took advantage of our hella tight suite that was FREE. We got to Moreno Valley and met our Summer Sales team. I went in with a bad attitude and told myself that I was going to hate every single person besides Jeff. Turns out, they're some pretty funny people. It was hard getting adjusted to the really conservative return missionaries who talked about the church 24/7 while leaving an amazing girl who I got really close with. May was hard. It was challenging, but I loved it.

June consisted of a lot of days at the beach/pool and a lot of long days at work. We went to a Dodger's Game, Sky High Trampoline Park (where Darin and Corbin rolled their ankles), and a lot of days at the beach. ha. Sales were pretty good, but there are a lot of distractions while living in Southern California. It wasn't until June that I started to love being here. These guys are kind of big tools, but we are all so different that it makes us a good group. I let my walls come down and became really close with all of them. I was bribed to go to church by my roommates who gave me a couple hundred dollars worth of Godiva chocolate covered strawberries. It was worth it. I flew back to Salt Lake at the end and participated in my dad's wedding. It was kind of bittersweet. I mean, I am so happy for him and this new life of his, but it wasn't as easy as I thought it would. I got to hang out with my girl all weekend and even experience some eventful evenings with my friends from high school and from my old workplace at Urban Blues. I loved the trip although it went by too quick. I didn't want to leave girl(which created problems in the future)

July came quick and I was engulfed with a lack of motivation to sell and was welcomed with some fun visitors from Utah. The 4th of July was an awesome experience. We all went to Huntington Beach and watched the fireworks being launched from the pier. I have always loved fireworks and I have always loved the beach so having them both at the tips of my fingers was utter bliss. Friends came and went. The weather got warmer and all I wanted was to be on a lake in Utah on a wakeboard surrounded by good friends and good drinks. The frustrations of doing a long distance relationship definitely took a toll on me. Things were good and things were bad. Jealousy came and went, but the tension never ceased. Who knows what will happen when I get back but as for now, I miss the random sweet texts/phonecalls. The late night Skype talks. The crinkled nose and perfect smile when I tell a cheesy joke. The random picture messages. and our Sunday talks on the phone while I walked around in my empty apartment while my roommates were at church. I miss the plans we made for when I got home. Will they happen? Who knows?

August arrived at my door fairly earlier than expected. Sales have been alright but like I said, no motivation. My mother and sister are in Newport Beach and are taking me home tomorrow while I say goodbye to this Southern California lifestyle that I have enjoyed for 3 months. I was planning on staying longer but I made plans to come home to be with girl but now my girl has been replaced by my dog. cheers. I will be working a couple of jobs for a couple of weeks before I move back up to school. I have a Bear Lake trip planned as well. It should be a good time.

It seems as if for the past 4 years my life has been in cardboard boxes and luggage containers. Between Salt Lake, Logan, San Francisco, Salt Lake, China, Logan, Los Angeles, and then Logan. I am excited for our new place and for the next school year. I have somewhat mixed feelings but am ready for the future and what it has in store for me. Well now that we're all caught up, I will promise to be better at blogging.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Missing The Orient

Picture overload. These pictures will mean absolutely nothing to you, but these make my heart ache. Today, I woke up missing adventure. I miss China. Never thought I would ever hear myself say that.
































I miss being a celebrity every where you go. I miss fresh(and I mean fresh) cooked meals. I miss my asian students glistening and hanging on to my every word. I miss not knowing what adventures were ahead of me for the day. I miss receiving packages from my awesome family. I miss laughing while living in the most horrible circumstances. I miss crying in humility. I miss getting DVD's for less than a dollar. I miss speaking Chinese to locals and watching their mouths drop when I could actually respond to what they were saying. I miss walking in to my classroom while my students applaud in a standing ovation. I miss the terrible smells around every corner. I miss the sight of naked asian babies running around the rice patties. I miss taking pictures with complete randoms who touched my hair, face, and eyes. I miss waking up to the sounds of fireworks at 5 am. I miss skypeing loved ones. I miss going to the grocery store and having herds of families follow your every move. I miss traveling all across China by myself with the confidence that I will arrive at my destination in one piece. I miss the sleeper buses and trains. I miss the cigarettes being blown in my face. I miss being taken to a brothel against my will. I miss hostels.

Today, I miss everything about Asia and traveling. I need to get out and be adventurous. Sorry for the picture overload.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Fearless

No this post is not going to be about Taylor Swift, don't worry. Even though, I would love that. And you should too.

I've been thinking a lot lately. About life. My future. My relationships. My schoolwork.

It hit me, I live in a world surrounded by fear. My whole life, I have been fearful. Whether it be me and my fear of the dark, or the fear of someone sneaking in to my house and stealing my brand new bicycle. (I even kept it in my bedroom at night.) My life has been completely revolved around fear.

I have always been fearful, but why? I ask myself that question every single day. Growing up, I was afraid of everything.

Being late to school.

Getting a detention.

Disappointing my parents.

Getting bad grades.

Getting caught by the police every time my friends and I went toilet papering.

Getting in fights with people.

Growing up.

Getting a good job.

Hurting people's feelings.

Getting injured or killed by someone/something.

Getting caught with a messy room.

Before the days of unlimited texting, going over on my monthly plan.

and of course, getting emotionally hurt.

I was always that friend that would stop and say, "But you guys! We shouldn't! We could get in a lot of trouble!" I really was terrified of ever living in the moment. Being dangerous. Taking risks. Only in the past couple of years, have I branched out. Lived a little. Stepped out of my comfort zone. It's a growing process, and one that I am learning about every day. But why do we have fears? Why do I have more fears than most? Could it be of my intense parental relationships? My parents divorce? Me being picked on throughout elementary school by both my peers and my siblings? Where does it come from? It has to derive from somewhere, right? I can't figure it out, but I am guessing I never will. But that sucks for me, because here I am, still living in a subtle state of fear. I can't seem to let things go sometimes.

I have a fear of being vulnerable. It's the pits. I hate putting myself out there and exposing my inner self to people(especially girl) and being ok with it. Because who knows what will happen? Summer is right around the corner, someone is staying here in Utah while I go work in California. Long distance relationships don't work. Never will. Get that in your head. I am stuck in a place where I don't know what to do. Or what to say. But I will avoid talking about it/conflicts at all costs. Because that is who I am. I have a lot of growing up to do. I need to learn to let things go and just go with the flow. Not have fears. Because fears are major set backs in life. I just hope I can learn to face my fears, and do things in life that make me scared and exposed. I hear that you learn the most from them any way.

Ok, I'll include a Taylor Swift quote, just for you.
"To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS."
— Taylor Swift

Saturday, April 2, 2011

I Sold My Soul To The Devil

Yes. I surely did. Ok, not really, but kind of. I signed on to do Summer Sales. For those of my readers who are not from Utah, (which I highly doubt exist) I will quickly explain what Summer Sales is. Summer Sales . . . where to begin. Sales-based companies are companies that rely on 18-24 year old men and women to sell their products from door to door. These men and women are usually return missionaries who have experience with door to door activity. Their products are either; 1. Alarm Systems (the worst) 2. Dish/Cable (kinda weird) 3. Pest Control (even weirder) 4. Food Storage (good luck selling outside of Utah) 5. Scriptures on Tapes (good luck selling outside of Utah)

There is a perk about selling for the summer. "What," you may ask? They send you to cities all across the country. Some are definitely better than others. Definitely a perk if you're lucky.

You may be wondering which category I fall into. No, I cannot do Alarm Systems because. .

I don't have big enough muscles.

I don't have bedazzled jeans.

I don't take an hour to get ready.

I am not a good liar.

I don't drive a lifted truck.

and I don't own an iPhone.

The company I am doing for the Summer is Rhino Pest Services. You also may be wondering why I decided to do this one . .

I don't feel comfortable deceiving people in to sales (alarm systems) and I feel like this is the next easiest thing to sell. Pest Control. Why? Because you can make good money, if you're good in a short amount of time. The other reason why I decided to sell for Rhino is that I'll be packing up my things and moving in to a furnished, clean apartment in the heart of Orange County. suck on that. My dream come true. I really am so excited even though it will be hard work. I'm going with my best friend Jeff. We're bound to have a good time. hopefully

It has been a continuous joke amongst my friends that we are doing Summer Sales. For example, today I was on KSL looking for cars to buy and I came across a Rolls Royce. I looked over to Ryan and said, "After the Summer, I'll buy this with my Summer Sales money." We both shared a good laugh over it. I'll really surprise him with it when we move in to our apartment and I'll be unloading my stuff out of my Rolls Royce. Jokes on him.

Anyway, I think this next part might be a little covetous, but who cares? I really have created a wish list of things I will be purchasing by the end of the summer. These are things I want/need.

1. Black Acura TSX.

2.Macbook Pro

3. A Dog
4. A hanging chair for my apartment next school year.
5. A new Blackberry

I think that is just about it. Don't worry, I'll be putting a lot of it in savings too.

Thanks for listening. Wish me luck when I leave in a month!