Friday, October 28, 2011

Rollercoaster Life

I really shouldn't be blogging. It has been one hell of a week, I just finished watching Country Strong, I have taken a Xanax, I'm texting my ex-girlfriend, and I'm watching A Walk To Remember. These all make for a bad combination.

This past week has been a real tough one for me. I am not going to make this post some weird journal post where I spill out every emotion and feeling I have had, but it's been interesting. Really eye-opening. Where should we start. . . ? Maybe the day that I received an e-mail from a girl from my past that made my heart sink and my stomach tighten up. Isn't it funny? How one person can come back in to your life without even trying and flip your whole world upside down. It's always interesting to look back on the past. Truly analyze it with a more mature outlook. To experience those emotions that you have been hiding and ignoring for so long. Or the emotions that you tried to forget. They are always there, hiding, waiting to be released.

After overcoming that anxiety, I realized that I am a romantic. A romantic who wants to believe in love but just can't come up with any logical reasoning as to it's existence. Have I ever been "in love?"

NO

Have I thought I have been "in love?"

yes

But let me ask you this, in all honesty, what is love? what is the definition of love? I have been asking around and doing a lot of reading and I have come to the conclusion that it may be: "loving one other person more than you love yourself." That's the best definition I could come with, and I hope to experience it some day. In case you didn't know, I am an avid Tweeter, and a girl I am following tweeted, "There is not a better feeling than having a love reciprocated by someone with no doubts." For some reason, this Tweet made my mind explore things I didn't even think I could comprehend. I was up all night thinking about that. Have I ever experienced that? Maybe, but not really. Do I want to experience that? Of course! But what is stopping me? Could it be the fact that the only thing that relationships have in common is that they ALL END. Or maybe that heartbreak I feel whenever one of my relationship ends is almost more than I can bare and I don't even love the girl. Or maybe it's the fact that I am too stubborn to let other people know how I feel? A flaw I am aware of and definitely working on.

I'm sorry this post is all over the place, but my life is constantly revolving around that four letter word. LOVE. Everyone in my life talks about it, blogs about it, tweets about it, says it. I just don't get it. I hope to some day figure it out. So while I am on my journey to find love and it's meaning, be patient with me and maybe help me along the way. Until then, I'm learning.




P.S. I love my friends. They are so great. I am constantly surrounded by people who love me and are always there for me. God may not have sent me with the gift to love and have some eternal soul mate, but my friends are the best damn friends on this earth and for that, I am so blessed.

5 comments:

  1. seems like we had a similar week. even down to the realization of being a romantic. feel better, it's the freakin weekend.

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  2. can i tell you how much i enjoyed this post. amazing. something about it...maybe it's that i am too still figuring out with love really is. i've decided that we should become closer friends ryan!
    xoxo, jamie

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