Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I WIN

Here I am again Blogosphere. Surprise Surprise

I always write about how weird life is and how change is the only constant in which we live. For the most part, I thought change was a sad thing. Something depressing. I have loved the past but tonight I had an experience that made me euphoric for change. I am beyond excited for the changes and for my future. Let me fill you in.

There is one girl in particular from my past that has made me who I am today. Both positive and negative things. In high school I thought that I was in love. I tried so hard for this girl but things never fell in to place as I had seen in movies and tv shows throughout my life. I've known this girl ever since the 3rd grade. Some may say it was lust as first sight. She was honestly my "first love." She helped me through my parents divorce. She was there for me even on my darkest days. She looked at our relationship as though it was too precious to take chances and risk what we had. We both lived in fear. Years went by and she made me angry, happy, depressed, content, lovestruck, and even more angry depending on the day. Things never worked out. Since they never worked out, there has always been that "what if" factor. It was always bad timing with us but I always thought that things would magically fall into place eventually. It had been that whenever I was in a relationship, she would want to try things, or vice versa. I guess you always want what you can't have. But it never worked out with us. It's been six years and my heart still hurts when I occasionally think about her. My stomach still tightens up when I see a text from her. We have remained friends, but we will never just be friends. It's been hard.

Well since Thanksgiving is this week she, and many other out-of-state friends, are in town. I went out to dinner with some old friends, and this one girl was included in on that. I hadn't seen her in months and was shaking as I walked in to the restaurant. As I embraced these familiar faces, I was relieved with how easy it was to fall back in to our old familiar conversations. It was as if we were still in high school. It was an odd feeling to me. They asked how some of my friends were doing and I returned the questions. Then all of the sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

My heart had changed. I no longer admired this beautiful young woman like I had before. I no longer felt the need to impress her with my witty comments and charming smile. I had moved on. This particular group of friends are exactly like they were in high school. Appearances have changed a bit, but their souls remain the exact same. I mean, I am not one to toot my own horn, but a lot of changes have happened in my life since high school. I believe most of them to be for the better, but who am I to decide that? I became overwhelmed with a feeling of relief and gratitude. For I have changed since high school. I am no longer that socially awkward teenager with Justin Bieber hair and braces. I am no longer terrified of being vulnerable by putting myself in to a relationship. I am no longer depressed about my parent's divorce. I am no longer being passive by letting people walk all over me.

I am a changed man.

I left that dinner feeling a bit overwhelmed by these emotions. I started counting all my blessings on that drive home and I was still muttering them as I pulled in to my driveway. Is this just a temporary high? I think the timing of God was perfect. It was just what I needed in my life at that exact time. I am so thankful for my experiences in the past five years that have shaped me and matured me in to the man that I am today. Cheesy I know, but Thanksgiving might be a tad bit different for me. For the first time, I am bringing my girlfriend around my family for a holiday. (THIS IS BIG FOR ME) For real though. I think I may be figuring out that love just might not be extinct. Have I found it's definition? Nope, of course not. But this feeling is something I have never felt before.

I think I might have to keep her around for a while.
Thanks for reading these friggen novels. Sorry my brain is all over the place tonight.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Sailing Away

I'm back blogosphere. Not sure for how long. I can't make any promises that I can't keep. But I'm back. For now. With a lot on my mind. Life has taken me all over the place. I've had to deal with my fair share of trials. Some are in these previous posts, but some are locked deep in my hardened heart and will rarely expose themselves. With each trial I look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel, the clear skies, the fresh beginning. But I don't always get that. I know, I know, I have so much to be thankful for and I know there are BILLIONS of people who have it worse than I do, but that doesn't make my life any easier. Some trials I am immediately grateful for, while others take me years to figure out the meaning behind the trial God gave me. But that's just it, there is usually always a reason as to why it has occurred. Whether it be my constant battle against love, because with every relationship I learn things that I had not known before. Whether it be family issues, because now I know how I want to raise my children and set examples for them. Or it could be through my schooling, because I should love my future and be excited for what is in store for me. So what I am trying to say is that there are blessings with every trial.

I promise.

But that is not why I am blogging right now. I have wanted to blog all day because of one single lady. My mom's dear friend. This dear friend's name is Kim. I have known Kim my entire life. Her children, a few years older than I, had always been around my older siblings. Well when I was 8 years old, I remember Kim's oldest son Paul was coming home from his mission from the Marshall Islands. Like any other LDS family, they were overjoyed with excitement about his return. Little did they know that he was bringing some temporary guests with him. I remember going over there with my mother and being encountered by a small Pacific Islander family in their kitchen consisting of a mom, dad, eleven year old son, and a newborn baby girl. They seemed nice, but a little shy. They left their country to better their lives and find opportunities in America. Well to cut the story short, the mom and dad found their opportunities but didn't see their children in that picture. Hemika(the mom) and Kalani(the dad) soon left Kim's home without their two children. Kim, being overwhelmed with her own five children as the one who was left with the two children. My mother, being the nurturing selfless woman she is, offered to help Kim out. We immediately took the baby girl in our care and watched her as if she was our own until Hemika would return. Well she never did and later asked us to adopt her. Just like that, Kourtney Kalani Snow was adopted in to our family. Well my parents wouldn't allow her brother to be left out so we offered to watch him and care for him as our own. We did so and adopted him 6 months later. It was a beautiful thing to come out of a not-so-beautiful situation.

Well anyway, Kim was the reason we took them in. Kim was a godsend and our family is whole because of her. Seven years ago, Kim was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It was shocking but her tight-knit family loved and supported her throughout the disease. Throughout high school, I slowly watched the Kim I know fade with her memory. It was extremely sad. That humorous middle aged woman was no longer the Kim I knew. Her life long soul mate stood by her side and was with her every step of the way. Kim passed away last week and I cannot shake it. My mother, being a Social Worker, worked with their family. Both as a friend and counselor. I got a call from my mother this weekend describing the most amazing event that took place at their home. Kim, being surrounded by her husband, mother, five children, and fifteen grandchildren just beamed with joy. Although she didn't remember any of them, she was content. Her ability to speak had diminished and she was just a being. My mother asked her questions but all she got in return were blank stares. Bill, her husband of over 30 years, decided to put on their wedding song, "Unchained Melody" from the movie Ghost. As soon as the first chords played through their stereo, she leaned forward, with a sparkle in her eye and motioned for her husband to come to her. He did so with tears in his eyes. She remembered. She began puckering up to kiss his wrinkled lips and he did so. She passed away the next day.

As I sat in the church during her service I immediately admired her family. They had known she was going to pass for seven years. They were prepared for it. While listening to their talks, all I could think about was me. Yes. As selfish as that sounded, I just put myself in to their shoes. What if that was me. Kim's youngest son, Joey took the stand and gave the most beautiful talk about how incredible his mother was and how he will never be able to dance with her at his wedding. As he said that, all I could think about was, "what if that was me?" I mean I began getting emotional for Joey. A youngest son is supposed to have so many wonderful memories with his mother throughout both of their lifetimes. But he only got 25 years of them. It made me think, what would I do without my mother? All of Kim's kids were saying the kindest things about her, but did they ever express those to her in person? or did they only have the courage to do so after she passed?

I flash-forwarded my brain to my parents funerals. It was me who was up on the stand giving those words about my parents. Only me. I was explaining how selfless my mother was and how she would truly give the clothes off of her own back to someone in need. How she was so service oriented that she paid her way to help me with my Eagle Project. How she would send me little text messages and packages after I told her I was having a rough day. How she loved her kids so much that she worked her ass for five years while her ex-husband was out dating around while not giving her an ounce of child support. How she magnified every church calling she had while maintaining forty hour work weeks while taking care of my little sister. And how I never heard one complaint come out of her mouth. I immediately became overwhelmed with gratitude and love during Joey's speech. I couldn't hold back the tears. I looked over to my mom, who was beaming at the words Joey was preaching and gently squeezed her hand. It was a beautiful thing. So what if I don't have my mother tomorrow? Or what if I woke up from a call from my step-mother telling me my father had passed? What would I do? What would I have done differently? Funerals are interesting things. They make you think a whole lot about life and your relationships. Well God has sent us here to learn and grow. I do know that. Within each relationship there is something unique to take with you. So hold on to those relationships. Cherish them. Appreciate them. And let them know how thankful you are for them. For you may not know when those relationships will be cut short. And as for me? I'm working on expressing my gratitude each and every day. Because your family are the ones that never leave your side. You're kind of stuck with them. And for that I am grateful.

Kim's oldest daughter quoted this poem and it made my heart a little happy:

A Parable of Immortality

"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!' Gone where? Gone from my sight ... that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she goes!' there are other eyes watching her coming and their voices ready to take up the glad shouts, 'Here she comes!'"

Henry Van Dyke

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Flattery

Hello, you. Sorry it's been a while. I first started this blog as a private journal. To write down my inner most thoughts and feelings and have complete strangers get a perspective into my life. I have always been a private guy. I never expose too much about myself. I then told a couple of friends about it, who then told their friends, which told their friends and relatives and I became somewhat embarrassed by how people I knew had complete access to my thoughts and feelings. It's interesting for strangers to stop by and give me their two cents, but when it's my peers and relatives I got a little weirded out.

:/

Hence why I slowly stopped blogging. But then I realized that blogs are such an awesome way to express yourself without verbally expressing yourself. I didn't think too many people read this blog, up until a cute girl found me on twitter (shout out to @TannerAdell) and told me she was a fan of my writing and that she was bummed I don't blog any more. I was BEYOND flattered and shocked that someone I didn't really know likes to read my blog. I felt like Taza or something.

So here goes nothing. and thanks Tanner.

The world around me is constantly changing while I sit around and watch these changes happen. These past couple of months have been the most challenging and most rewarding of my life. One of my dear friends from freshman year passed away which shook my world more than I would have ever imagined. Chayse was a perfect example of living your life to the fullest without caring about judgements of others. Miss him. Death has been lingering around me for the past couple of years and it is something I don't know how to deal with. People can prepare for the beginning of a new life, but you are never prepared for the end of one. Especially one so precious and young. It was a hard time and I didn't think (and still don't) that it was his time to leave this Earth. Huge life lessons were learned. The hard way. It just so happened that the week of his passing was when a Management final was due. I did it. half-assed and got a C- in the class. I can't get below a C+ so that pushed my graduation date back a semester. I bawled. I cried. I laughed. I knew Chayse would be laughing too. I transferred my credits to the University of Utah where I thought I could run away from adding a semester on to graduation, but turns out you have to finish your last 30 credits there. It sucks. I want to be done with school so badly when the world is telling me to stay. Which brings me on to my next point.

I have been rushing to be done with school and now I don't even know if I am studying what I should be. My life is a joke. Full of so many choices and I don't know where to begin choosing them.

During this last semester I met a girl. Not a girl. A young woman. Who understands me from the inside out. She makes me happy even on the gloomiest days. When I first saw her in that International Business class I thought she was there by accident. Not that many beautiful girls are in my classes. Trust me. But I gained the courage to talk to her one day. We ended up studying together a lot. Turns out, she lives down the street from me back home and went to a neighboring high school. We both moved home for the summer and it has been the best summer of my life. I gave her warnings that I am damaged goods. Goods nonetheless, but I've got a couple cracks on this heart of mine. She simply responded that she doesn't care. Take it one day at a time and enjoy what we have here. It was then, that my heart softened a bit and I could even say that I like her. I like her a lot. holy shit. i can't believe i said that

So life is just dandy. We live in a world full of nothing but opportunities. Thankfully, I am surrounded by such an amazing support system. Starting with my family who pushes me to be better while also enjoying the little things along the way. Life is to be enjoyed, not endured. My awesome friends. Ever since Chayse has passed, I realized that friendships are precious. Be sure to enjoy them and to let your friends know how much you truly love them. Even if it makes them feel a little awkward. My friends put up with so much of my bullshit but I guess it's what they get for being around someone who is as much fun as me. Kind of kidding. Kind of.

But seriously, life is so damn short. You never know when it's gonna be snuffed short. So live it up. Enjoy the ride. If you're unhappy with something, change it. Don't wait for it to change on it's own.

lonely.boy