I always write about how weird life is and how change is the only constant in which we live. For the most part, I thought change was a sad thing. Something depressing. I have loved the past but tonight I had an experience that made me euphoric for change. I am beyond excited for the changes and for my future. Let me fill you in.
There is one girl in particular from my past that has made me who I am today. Both positive and negative things. In high school I thought that I was in love. I tried so hard for this girl but things never fell in to place as I had seen in movies and tv shows throughout my life. I've known this girl ever since the 3rd grade. Some may say it was lust as first sight. She was honestly my "first love." She helped me through my parents divorce. She was there for me even on my darkest days. She looked at our relationship as though it was too precious to take chances and risk what we had. We both lived in fear. Years went by and she made me angry, happy, depressed, content, lovestruck, and even more angry depending on the day. Things never worked out. Since they never worked out, there has always been that "what if" factor. It was always bad timing with us but I always thought that things would magically fall into place eventually. It had been that whenever I was in a relationship, she would want to try things, or vice versa. I guess you always want what you can't have. But it never worked out with us. It's been six years and my heart still hurts when I occasionally think about her. My stomach still tightens up when I see a text from her. We have remained friends, but we will never just be friends. It's been hard.
Well since Thanksgiving is this week she, and many other out-of-state friends, are in town. I went out to dinner with some old friends, and this one girl was included in on that. I hadn't seen her in months and was shaking as I walked in to the restaurant. As I embraced these familiar faces, I was relieved with how easy it was to fall back in to our old familiar conversations. It was as if we were still in high school. It was an odd feeling to me. They asked how some of my friends were doing and I returned the questions. Then all of the sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
My heart had changed. I no longer admired this beautiful young woman like I had before. I no longer felt the need to impress her with my witty comments and charming smile. I had moved on. This particular group of friends are exactly like they were in high school. Appearances have changed a bit, but their souls remain the exact same. I mean, I am not one to toot my own horn, but a lot of changes have happened in my life since high school. I believe most of them to be for the better, but who am I to decide that? I became overwhelmed with a feeling of relief and gratitude. For I have changed since high school. I am no longer that socially awkward teenager with Justin Bieber hair and braces. I am no longer terrified of being vulnerable by putting myself in to a relationship. I am no longer depressed about my parent's divorce. I am no longer being passive by letting people walk all over me.
I am a changed man.
I left that dinner feeling a bit overwhelmed by these emotions. I started counting all my blessings on that drive home and I was still muttering them as I pulled in to my driveway. Is this just a temporary high? I think the timing of God was perfect. It was just what I needed in my life at that exact time. I am so thankful for my experiences in the past five years that have shaped me and matured me in to the man that I am today. Cheesy I know, but Thanksgiving might be a tad bit different for me. For the first time, I am bringing my girlfriend around my family for a holiday. (THIS IS BIG FOR ME) For real though. I think I may be figuring out that love just might not be extinct. Have I found it's definition? Nope, of course not. But this feeling is something I have never felt before.