Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Cold As Stone

Here I am, once again, trying not to play this hurt out as a joke, but it's killing me. It seems as if life is filled with disappointments and constant reminders that there is no such thing as a "real-life-fairy-tale."

A few months ago, I was dating what I thought to be an amazing girl. One that would change my course of life. She was kind, gentle, and patient with me and seemed to soften this concrete heart of mine. We were both scared of commitment, but it was her idea to seal the deal and to not date anyone else. There I was, putting my whole soul in to one relationship. I thought that this one would be different. Everything about it was different. No pressure, no antagonizing, no effort. It was easy and I thought that the feelings I had developed could eventually be that four letter word that has haunted my past for so long.

A few months in to my "fairy tale," I noticed that perhaps she wasn't ready for this relationship. Typically, I am in that position. Wanting all of the advantages of being single. But nope. Tables were turned. Events and fraternity parties came up and she wanted to go. My feelings were hurt. Was our relationship not good enough for her? It was a slap in the face, one that caused me to shut her out of my life for a couple of days. I finally gained the courage to cut my losses and walk away with my head held high. Because I deserve better than that, right? As I gained the confidence to end the relationship, I told her I would pick her up for a drive. With the slow jams of City & Colour playing, I had all of the courage to end it right then and there. It wasn't until she spilled out her heart stating that she was foolish to choose those materialistic events over our relationship. Because what we had was "real." She wanted to show me how much I meant to her. I ate this up, and believed every single word she said. We began right where we left off, only this time it was better than it had ever been before. She was always so thoughtful of me. She would publicly show affection towards me. She would make me little snacks and drop them off at my place before class. She would constantly be thinking of me and it showed with multiple daily phone calls and text messages. I felt like a million bucks. Those three words were constantly in the back of my head. One Wednesday night, we were lying on my bed discussing our future and the lurking unknown. I felt it. Burning in my chest and throat. But I could never mutter those three simple words. (Now I am thankful I never said them. The vulnerability would have been humiliating and embarrassing.)

I planned a party at my place for her birthday. I invited a good group of people and we were to go out to dinner, and come back my place for a big birthday bash. I started drinking around 5 and was in a pretty inebriated state by 7-8. People arrived at 9 and I was just having a blast. I was in a state of euphoric intoxication. While the girl was taking some drunk friends home, a young guy felt the need to pull me in to other room to tell me that he had made out with my girlfriend a couple weeks prior to this party. Being in the drunken state, I didn't believe him. I had never been in this situation before. I immediately called up my best friend and sister to ask them for advice. They told me to just confront her about it and see what she says. I did so when she returned and she was appalled that somebody would say something like that. She promised that she was faithful and that I have been the only boy she has kissed in months. I wanted to believe her, because she had never lied to me before. But deep down, I felt torn. The girl I had been dating would never do that to me, right? I could never be that poor shmuck who dated an unfaithful girl. I kept on asking her, and the more I asked, the more she seemed bugged. I decided to stop drinking and decided to sober up. I went to bed after saying goodnight to my friends and she came in and tickled my back as I fell asleep. I just wanted to get this all over with. Why would this guy lie to me and make such assumptions about this amazing girl? She then slipped out of my room to drive home. As soon as she left, my mind told me something was wrong. I couldn't sleep. My stomach hurt. Not the hurt that comes from over-consumption of alcohol, but the hurt that comes from being lied to. I then receive a text stating that she wanted to talk. She came back over at 4 a.m. to tell me that she did hook up with this kid during those days in which I was giving her the silent treatment for choosing a Fraternity Formal over being with me. I then told her to get the fuck out of my house. *sorry about the language* But really. I couldn't eat, sleep, drink for days on end. I had never experienced a hurt like that before. I was the guy that would bring up the whole situation to any one who had ears. I would cry at the very thought of her being. I spent weeks drinking red wine while watching tear-jerkers screaming at the television. I would wake up with wads of tissues up my nose. I would leave class and run to my car just to avoid coming in contact with any mutual friends. I have never felt heart break like this. How could somebody feel comfortable lying to my face for over two months without any remorse?

Weeks passed, but the pain was still there. I had a gaping hole in my heart. Some days were better than others until at night when I was lying alone in my cold bed wishing I had the heat of another body to hypnotize me to sleep. I ignored phone calls, text messages, and homemade letters of apology. She was only sorry because she got caught. It has been over two months since this life altering event. She keeps trying to be involved in my life, but I have built this wall. This unbreakable wall against her. Regardless of how many times she comes crying to me stating she made a bad mistake. Bitter remarks come spewing out my mouth whenever I am with her. She never wants to give up on me because I am the best thing that has ever happened to her. I once was happy. She was the source of that happiness. Do I believe and accept her apology? Or walk away and hope to find someone who made my soul as happy as she once did. I have a fear that maybe I will never let somebody in again. Or that maybe I won't find someone as compatible and patient as her. She has changed my life. For better and for worse. But at what point do you say to yourself, "You have got to let this go?" When someone you once loved comes crawling back to you saying things will be different and that this whole thing could make you stronger, one cannot simply just walk away without flinching. We live in a hopeful world. A world in which we believe the best in people. So here I am, battling a war between my head and my heart. Deciding what risk I should take. There are risks in either scenario. I either walk away, with the pain of losing something so great. Or I could try again, and see what happens.