Lonely Boy

I'm Falling. .

2011-12-29T10:58:00.001-07:00

I feel as if I am falling. Free falling from thousands of feet in the air. My sight is blurry. I can't seem to focus on what is in front of me. The wind rushes in my lungs and leaves a cold sting. Is this real life? Or is it just a bad dream?
This last week has been a difficult one for me to grasp and hold real. It all involved one of my favorite families in the world. The Christoffs.

Peter Christoff: the studliest of studs. He is about 45 years young. His family is his first priority. He works hard without ever muttering a complaint. Selflessness defines his character. He is a lover. Not a fighter. He gives to any one he comes in contact with. When I think of him, the word idol pops in my head.

Then there is Allyson. She radiates beauty from within. She has taught me more life lessons then she will ever know. She is a true Christian. Giving and complimenting at every opportunity. Hard working. She would take a bullet for anyone in her family. She is a rational thinker. Hesitant, but very intelligent. Mother.

Then there is Maddison. Hockey player. Yes, a female hockey player and no she is not a lesbian. She is the comedian of the family. She is genuine. She is more mature than any other 18 year old I have ever met. Confident. A person whom every one adores and wants to get to know. Loyal through thick and thin.

And last we have Alec. Also a hockey player. Much like his mother, he is a care-taker. He is a hard worker and very intelligent. He smiles while doing tasks and cares for every one else but himself. Many friends flock to him for advice. Athlete to the bone. Talented in more ways than he knows. Ladies man and gentleman. He seems like he has it all figured out for a 17 year old.

There's some prior background. This story all starts out with a 37 year old HR director of Gastronomy. Allyson didn't necessarily believe in love. Her best friend and father passed away when she was 17 and she truly believed that if she let herself get close to someone, they would die or leave her in the dust. She spent years in therapy hoping to learn how to let go and move on from her father's death. Being a natural care-taker, she helped raise her nieces and nephews (such as myself) and would take any opportunity to be with them, even though it hurt her inside that she didn't have any children of her own. One day, at work, she glanced outside to a 6'2" man with smooth jet black hair step off his motorcycle. You know, the kind of scene you would see in a 1970's romantic film. She was in trouble. He came in and applied to be a server and she instantly hired him. You could say, it was love at first sight even though she would never admit it. Long rides on his motorcycle turned in to evening dates. Evening dates turned in to meeting the families. Meeting the families eventually turned in to a a big fancy wedding. Allyson was 38 at the time. Her hope for marriage finally came true. Peter, who is 9 years younger, swept her off her feet.

They then started a family and were hospitable to all who needed it. Growing up, my parents were busy with starting various businesses that I often spent my weekdays surrounded by my favorite aunt and uncle with their two children (who became my best friends.) Years passed and his job took him across many international and domestic borders. They moved to Boston for 6 years and then moved to San Francisco where they have resided ever since. You may remember from previous posts that I often visit them. In fact, I spent a whole summer living with them and growing spiritually and emotionally. They nurtured me and continue to do so to this day. They are amazing. All four of them.

So on to the story. I am very close with each of them. I talk to them just about every other day. We Skype, Facetime, Text, E-mail, and spend countless hours conversing on the phone. When I face a dilemma, my aunt is the first person I call. Her wisdom and advice exceeds my expectations and she knows just what to say. Well a year ago, Peter got a job opportunity in Canada that he couldn't refuse. He had hit his limit in San Francisco and wanted something new. He took it even though the family wasn't quite ready for it. My aunt supported him in this even though her heart belonged in San Francisco. He began commuting there until they found a perfect home. Months passed, and tensions grew within their marriage. Allyson has never had perfect health, and Peter was always there by her bedside regardless of what his schedule consisted of. When Peter would arrive home, Ally had long lists of chores that he needed to do that she couldn't accomplish with her health. He began to dread coming home. This then created more complications in their marriage. BUT THEY'RE IN LOVE, RIGHT? Nothing could ever go wrong! They were perfect for each other. Admiring them that one Summer, gave me hope for the rest of my life! Maybe love did exist. I wanted to believe in it so badly and Peter and Ally were perfect for each other.

wrong

Peter never found that perfect house. He stopped looking. Peter's calls became less frequent. Peter's visits home became more scarce. Peter's character became more dim. Peter's voice was more cold. Peter just wasn't the same.

December came and Peter told Allyson that he wanted a divorce, just days before her birthday. This was a bomb. Like the bomb that hit Hiroshima. It was unexpected. It exploded beneath her feet and she couldn't quite re-group herself and find her balance. She spent days in her bed, ignoring loving phone calls from family. Her wine intake had increased. She wanted to be numb. How could the love of her life want to leave? That would never happen. The word divorce wasn't even in her vocabulary. They could work through this. With therapy and work, they could do this. Peter then came home for the holidays. No one expected it. He came home with a happy facade that they were still that perfect family that so many looked up to. He answered the phone with that chipper voice and asked questions as if he truly cared. . . but why?

While I was working on the 23rd of December, the vibrations on my phone kept going off in my right pocket. I am not supposed to have my phone while working on the sales floor, but I always did. and I am glad I did.

I then looked down when no one was looking. 5 missed calls from Maddison. My throat tightened a bit. I walked to the office and called her back. The sounds of when she answered are indescribable. I couldn't understand a word that was coming out of her mouth. Her voice was weak and her loud sobs made me cry. "Maddie! What's wrong? You're alright. Just breathe. Take deep breathes. Everything's going to be alright," I uttered in disbelief. "He's gone. I picked up my mom from her massage appointment with Alec and he is gone. He wrote me an e-mail that explains it all, but he just left. Without saying a word. Two days before Christmas." It was then, my heart cracked and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This was a joke, right? This could never happen to the Christoffs. Their life was too perfect. They had it all. They had the cute little house with the red door. The perfect dog that barked when you came home. The manicured garden that depicted perfectness. They drove the perfect black cars and had the perfect neighbors.

So they drove through the night from San Francisco to Salt Lake City, with their weeping mother in the back seat. The drive took them 12 hours just to be surrounded by loved ones on Christmas.

Christmas was a whole lot different this year. My immediate family had such an awesome Christmas. One of the best in years. We all learned the spirit of giving rather than receiving. My weekend was spent with my close cousins comforting them in their time of need. Giving them words of encouragement because my parents divorced not too long ago.

So you know what the moral of this story is? No one is perfect. You can look at someone and admire their life because you think it may be perfect. When in reality, everyone has their flaws. Every one has their various trials in life. And you know what I have learned? God doesn't give any of us more than we can handle. Family is so important. I am blessed to have one that is so supportive of all I do even though we may all be a little dysfunctional. I learned this Christmas that I am blessed and I don't thank God enough for all that I have. Every day, I live a life I should be proud of. So tell your families you love them during this season. Give thanks to your parents for how they raised you.

(image via)

I Don't Wanna Be No Grown Up

2011-11-30T02:10:00.000-07:00

Life is so funny.

It really is.

It always has a funny way of slapping you in the face while saying, "I told you so."

Growing up, I always made little promises to myself. I always desired something different. Something better. I always wanted to grow up. Be an adult. Live on my own. Go to a good college. Have my own car with my own music playing. No rules to live by. To meet some beautiful girl and to fall in love. Obviously not the love my parents exemplified. Hence their divorce. I was going to do things differently. I was going to do things my way. I was going to take the mistakes my parents made and learn from them. To be a better person. I just wanted to grow up and live a perfect life with no problems because I thought I was better than problems. I was smarter than that. I knew right from wrong. I couldn't possibly ever make mistakes along the way, right?

wrong

As I am sitting here, in my 21 year old body, I think to myself, "What have I even done along the way? How am I so messed up? How am I 21 years old?" I feel so old. I know most of you are thinking, "YOU ARE SO YOUNG!" But I am in Utah! Half of my friends from my freshman year are either married, or with children. I feel so old and so discombobulated. How did I think I would have it all figured out?

That's what's so funny. How naive your mind can be when you're 12 years old. You have the whole world in front of you and you think you can conquer anything that comes at you. I wish I was still that 12 year old boy. Prank calling girls at 11 at night. Riding my bike to Petsmart to purchase 12 cent gold fish and put them in my pond. Wondering what Pokemon cards I was going to trade with my neighbors once they got their allowance. Sleeping over at Cody's house and hoping his parents wouldn't find out that we toilet papered the neighbors with a whole 6 pack of t.p.

I wish I still had that mentality. That I could conquer the world. That even if things were terrible, that I could pick up the pieces and that I would learn and never settle for anything but the best. That I could never make those mistakes that my parents and peers made because I looked at them and felt pity for them.

Now how does one change their mentality on life? How does one have such a confident outlook on life? Because life hands you lemons and you have no idea as to what to do with them. Because your friend who had those exact same lemons decided to make lemonade and that lemon exploded and they got citric acid in their eye. So you see, I have these lemons. These lemons of all different shades of yellow. These lemons of all different sizes, and I have no idea as to what to do with them.

One Day You Will

2011-11-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

Yes. I realize that we're over. I realize you are with someone else. I want you to be happy. I want the best for you even if that isn't me. I see you. Everywhere. You look happy. But I can't help but think every time I see you, when my stomach tightens up, and my mouth goes dry, what if. What if things were different. But here I am, gazing at you from a distance. Acknowledging that happiness. Admiring that smile. And all I can do is wish you the best because someday I will have that same happiness. Someday you'll run into me and see how awesome I am doing without you. It just hurts. Seeing you. Over me. With him. While I have no one. Not even an interest. But I know that my future has great things in store. All I have to do is wait and keep learning. For one day I will.

"You can't have a better tomorrow, if you're still thinking of your yesterday." -unknown

Rollercoaster Life

2011-10-28T00:27:00.000-06:00

I really shouldn't be blogging. It has been one hell of a week, I just finished watching Country Strong, I have taken a Xanax, I'm texting my ex-girlfriend, and I'm watching A Walk To Remember. These all make for a bad combination.

This past week has been a real tough one for me. I am not going to make this post some weird journal post where I spill out every emotion and feeling I have had, but it's been interesting. Really eye-opening. Where should we start. . . ? Maybe the day that I received an e-mail from a girl from my past that made my heart sink and my stomach tighten up. Isn't it funny? How one person can come back in to your life without even trying and flip your whole world upside down. It's always interesting to look back on the past. Truly analyze it with a more mature outlook. To experience those emotions that you have been hiding and ignoring for so long. Or the emotions that you tried to forget. They are always there, hiding, waiting to be released.

After overcoming that anxiety, I realized that I am a romantic. A romantic who wants to believe in love but just can't come up with any logical reasoning as to it's existence. Have I ever been "in love?"

Have I thought I have been "in love?"

yes

But let me ask you this, in all honesty, what is love? what is the definition of love? I have been asking around and doing a lot of reading and I have come to the conclusion that it may be: "loving one other person more than you love yourself." That's the best definition I could come with, and I hope to experience it some day. In case you didn't know, I am an avid Tweeter, and a girl I am following tweeted, "There is not a better feeling than having a love reciprocated by someone with no doubts." For some reason, this Tweet made my mind explore things I didn't even think I could comprehend. I was up all night thinking about that. Have I ever experienced that? Maybe, but not really. Do I want to experience that? Of course! But what is stopping me? Could it be the fact that the only thing that relationships have in common is that they ALL END. Or maybe that heartbreak I feel whenever one of my relationship ends is almost more than I can bare and I don't even love the girl. Or maybe it's the fact that I am too stubborn to let other people know how I feel? A flaw I am aware of and definitely working on.

I'm sorry this post is all over the place, but my life is constantly revolving around that four letter word. LOVE. Everyone in my life talks about it, blogs about it, tweets about it, says it. I just don't get it. I hope to some day figure it out. So while I am on my journey to find love and it's meaning, be patient with me and maybe help me along the way. Until then, I'm learning.

P.S. I love my friends. They are so great. I am constantly surrounded by people who love me and are always there for me. God may not have sent me with the gift to love and have some eternal soul mate, but my friends are the best damn friends on this earth and for that, I am so blessed.

Why Do I Run?

2011-10-07T16:38:00.002-06:00

I did it. I ran the St. George marathon for the 3rd time.

I was super stoked up until 2 weeks prior to the race. My sister planned on having her and 11 of her friends to go run Napa Valley Ragnar the 2nd week of September. I was jealous so I told her that if she were to need someone, to count me in. Well, one of her friends backed out so I was in. I was soooo stoked. I love Ragnar Relays. If you haven't done one, then do it as soon as you can. Well we were all stoked about it, then one by one my sister's friends ALL backed out. No joke. So we asked my friends. Me and 3 of my friends were all planning on it. I trained really well for it because I needed to qualify for the Boston marathon this year. I ran with my friends a couple of times and then one by one, my friends all backed out as well. Minus Zeek. The biggest flake of all my friends. He held true to his word and ran it with me. We drove to San Francisco and stayed with my family there and hardly got any sleep. I was nervous because we were running with 8 of 12 runners so Stacey, her friend, and I had to make up the other legs. I ended up running a total of 31 miles and pulled 2 ligaments out of my ankle including my achilles. You should have seen it. It was YUGE. It was fun. But I was miserable.

So I went to a physical therapist and he insisted on me not running the marathon. Jokes on him. I wasn't going to let 4 months of training to go down the drain. So I went. Naturally. I was excited about it. There's something about the St. George Marathon that just excites me. It's such a well-organized race with hundreds of awesome volunteers and spectators. Plus, my best friend Kara was down there and is always with my family at the finish line. It was awesome. So I started fairly strong. I was setting a good pace to qualify for Boston up until mile 4 when my ankle cramped up and my sister's headphones went out. Me, being the gentlemen I am, gave my sister mine so I could leave her and know that she would finish strong. Mile 10 came up, and the pain shooting through my right leg/ankle was excruciating and I knew that once I stopped I wouldn't be able to start up again. I ran through the pain and finished in an hour longer than expected. Atleast I finished, right? There is always next year to qualify. If I'm still living after this ankle injury. Keep me in your prayers.

Welcome Back to the 435

2011-09-14T10:04:00.000-06:00

oh hey.

I lied. Ok, I didn't lie. I simply became too busy to blog. I know you were all dying without my blog updates (sarcasm) so here I go.

I am back up in my favorite town. Logan, Utah I had high expectations for this year because of a lot of things. I went in with the attitude that I could pick up right where I left off. I am living with 2 of my best friends. I was dating the most beautiful girl on campus. I was getting set up with an awesome on-campus job. I was taking classes that I needed in order to graduate at my expected time. and I was going to volunteer with as many on campus service groups as possible.

Then reality sank in, and life threw a big fat shoe straight at my head.

Things are different. A lot can happen within 4 months. Some people are married now, some are engaged, some go on missions, and a ton have transferred schools. Every semester up here is completely different.

Yeah, I live with my best friends but we are hardly ever home at the same time. We all have different schedules, different jobs, different activities. Nonetheless, I love where I live and who I live with. It's been awesome.

Now on to the romance part . . .woof. Yeah, it's been a rollercoaster and who cares if I spend most of my time laying in my bed watching 500 Days of Summer while sipping on red wine. Are you going to judge me? Don't be silly. Of course not. Pretty much girl wants to be with me when it's convenient for her. (which is not convenient for me) So here I am, reading Cole's blog post wondering why I even let my heart open up like that. Whatever. I just need a good derf and then I'll be on my way.

Oh and most of my classes that I needed were full. No big deal, it may push my graduation date back another semester. We'll see.

Oh and I didn't land that awesome on campus job so it looks like I'll be spending a lot of my time working at Einsteins. again. for the 5th year in a row.

But the positive thing is that I do have a lot of time for service this semester. I have a feeling that it's going to be a rough, challenging semester but I am always up for a good challenge.

The football game was fun last week. (never thought I would ever hear myself saying that about a USU football game)

Well that was a real quick post, but you guys get the gist. I've missed the blogging world. I will be updating more frequently. Don't you fret. But I guess that the name of this blog is accurately correct again. Lonely Boy. lulz. I will be running the Napa Valley Ragnar relay this weekend! My best friend backed out, so it looks as if I will be running 41 miles in 24 hours. Pray for me. Until next time.
Lonely Boy

Mother Teresa

2011-08-08T10:58:00.004-06:00

I wanted to start this post off with a photo, but my computer has been on the fritz and isn't allowing me. Sorry if it's boring.

I've always been inspired by my mom, but only recently have I truly been astounded by her as a being. Every one says they have the greatest parents, but I really am so lucky to have the ones I have. My mom is wonder woman. She has been through hell and back and still has a smile on her face. She is the most selfless person I have ever met and I don't know how she does it.

Hm. . where to begin. . My mom has had struggles that not that many people can overcome with such diligence. She is the youngest of 4 children by 16 years. She wasn't too close to her siblings in her childhood because when she went out with them, people would assume that her sisters were here mother. All of her siblings were married by the time my mom was 8 and so she grew up somewhat isolated but remained close to her friends and her parents. My mom always valued education and even when she married my father at the age of 20, she continued on with school even while having children. She graduated from BYU, and went on to Grad School at the U for Social Work. After having my 2 older sisters, her mother passed away of a heart attack. Something that would take years for my mom to cope with. My mom was always a helper. She helped my dad out while starting various businesses. She helped my grandpa when he was too old to live by himself. She always missed work when it came to class projects and show and tell. My mother was always there. She never got much recognition while growing up and it somewhat makes me sad. My mother even opened up her heart to 2 more children. My adopted brother and sister. She knew it was right and loves them as if they are her own. It wasn't an easy process, but she knew it would be worth it. After adopting them, my mom went back to the Marshall Islands (where my brother and sister are from) for a humanitarian trip. After coming back, she decided she wanted to open up an adoption agency. She immediately went to work while still maintaining 40 hours a week at work, being a full time mom, and still hanging out with her friends and husband. She opened up the adoption agency and saved hundreds of lives. One of the many things I admire her for. She has always put others first, a quality I wish I could obtain. After she opened the agency in 2001, her father then passed away of cancer. Another low blow in her life. She trudged on and still knew she had to keep going. I gave her a lot of grief through junior high and high school, especially when my parents told me they were getting a divorce in the 9th grade. I was angry and blamed my mom. My dad moved out to Sandy and my mom moved 8 houses down to a smaller home still in my high school boundaries. A sacrifice she made for me. She wasn't receiving any financial assistance from my dad and still managed to buy a house and raise her kids in her home. Her faith never wavered and she was always still strong in the church. Throughout the past years, we've been close and we've been distant but her love for me never changed. She has always been supportive in whatever I have chosen to do. She is always there for every choir performance. She is always there at the finish line of every race. She is always there on the other end of the phone when I need her help and advice. She is always there when I need help moving out. My mother is always there for me. She would drop (and has done it countless times) anything for any of her children. She has the biggest heart. She always works 110% with everything she is given. She was recently put in as the Relief Society President of our ward. Something she was confused about. "Why would the Lord put a 50 year old single divorcee as an example for the ladies of the ward?" Because she's amazing.

Lately I have found myself bragging about my mom to everyone I come in contact with. She's amazing. This post may be boring to most of you, but I've been wanting to write this for a very long time. So thank you mom! For simply making this world a better one. Love you.

You Get This A Lot

2011-08-04T17:41:00.000-06:00

Sorry Blogger World, I neglected you once again. I just get caught up in life and often forget about my blog until I receive some text messages from friends and loved ones that tell me I need to start blogging. Well, I'll be better. I promise.

I deactivated my Facebook for a couple weeks because it was starting to take over my life and it caused some unnecessary drama. Whenever I do this, I resort to blog stalking and have been truly inspired by a lot of your blogs. Boy have I been missing out these past couple of months.

I will just go right in to telling you what my Summer has consisted of. It has had it's ups and downs. I have felt euphoric happiness and also wallowing loneliness. I have felt more broke than MC Hammer and felt as wealthy as a Kardashian. I've worked a lot, and played a lot. I've put myself out there and experienced things I have never encountered. I have made some new awesome friends and distanced myself from others. I've read some interesting books while learning life lessons with each chapter. I've learned to love myself and have grown as a human being.

Let's start back in May. I finished an awesome semester of school, met a ton more people (one girl in particular), and tested my patience by living in a house with 2 roommates who drove me nuts. I got pretty good grades, worked a lot, and looked forward to the Summer. In the middle of May, I took part in a roadtrip/drive to work with my best friend Jeff. While driving, we managed to get one speeding ticket, locked the keys in the car, almost got in an accident, got flashed by 3 teenage girls, and almost hit a deer. We stopped in Vegas for a night and did some gambling and took advantage of our hella tight suite that was FREE. We got to Moreno Valley and met our Summer Sales team. I went in with a bad attitude and told myself that I was going to hate every single person besides Jeff. Turns out, they're some pretty funny people. It was hard getting adjusted to the really conservative return missionaries who talked about the church 24/7 while leaving an amazing girl who I got really close with. May was hard. It was challenging, but I loved it.

June consisted of a lot of days at the beach/pool and a lot of long days at work. We went to a Dodger's Game, Sky High Trampoline Park (where Darin and Corbin rolled their ankles), and a lot of days at the beach. ha. Sales were pretty good, but there are a lot of distractions while living in Southern California. It wasn't until June that I started to love being here. These guys are kind of big tools, but we are all so different that it makes us a good group. I let my walls come down and became really close with all of them. I was bribed to go to church by my roommates who gave me a couple hundred dollars worth of Godiva chocolate covered strawberries. It was worth it. I flew back to Salt Lake at the end and participated in my dad's wedding. It was kind of bittersweet. I mean, I am so happy for him and this new life of his, but it wasn't as easy as I thought it would. I got to hang out with my girl all weekend and even experience some eventful evenings with my friends from high school and from my old workplace at Urban Blues. I loved the trip although it went by too quick. I didn't want to leave girl(which created problems in the future)

July came quick and I was engulfed with a lack of motivation to sell and was welcomed with some fun visitors from Utah. The 4th of July was an awesome experience. We all went to Huntington Beach and watched the fireworks being launched from the pier. I have always loved fireworks and I have always loved the beach so having them both at the tips of my fingers was utter bliss. Friends came and went. The weather got warmer and all I wanted was to be on a lake in Utah on a wakeboard surrounded by good friends and good drinks. The frustrations of doing a long distance relationship definitely took a toll on me. Things were good and things were bad. Jealousy came and went, but the tension never ceased. Who knows what will happen when I get back but as for now, I miss the random sweet texts/phonecalls. The late night Skype talks. The crinkled nose and perfect smile when I tell a cheesy joke. The random picture messages. and our Sunday talks on the phone while I walked around in my empty apartment while my roommates were at church. I miss the plans we made for when I got home. Will they happen? Who knows?

August arrived at my door fairly earlier than expected. Sales have been alright but like I said, no motivation. My mother and sister are in Newport Beach and are taking me home tomorrow while I say goodbye to this Southern California lifestyle that I have enjoyed for 3 months. I was planning on staying longer but I made plans to come home to be with girl but now my girl has been replaced by my dog. cheers. I will be working a couple of jobs for a couple of weeks before I move back up to school. I have a Bear Lake trip planned as well. It should be a good time.

It seems as if for the past 4 years my life has been in cardboard boxes and luggage containers. Between Salt Lake, Logan, San Francisco, Salt Lake, China, Logan, Los Angeles, and then Logan. I am excited for our new place and for the next school year. I have somewhat mixed feelings but am ready for the future and what it has in store for me. Well now that we're all caught up, I will promise to be better at blogging.

Missing The Orient

2011-04-26T13:34:00.000-06:00

Picture overload. These pictures will mean absolutely nothing to you, but these make my heart ache. Today, I woke up missing adventure. I miss China. Never thought I would ever hear myself say that.

I miss being a celebrity every where you go. I miss fresh(and I mean fresh) cooked meals. I miss my asian students glistening and hanging on to my every word. I miss not knowing what adventures were ahead of me for the day. I miss receiving packages from my awesome family. I miss laughing while living in the most horrible circumstances. I miss crying in humility. I miss getting DVD's for less than a dollar. I miss speaking Chinese to locals and watching their mouths drop when I could actually respond to what they were saying. I miss walking in to my classroom while my students applaud in a standing ovation. I miss the terrible smells around every corner. I miss the sight of naked asian babies running around the rice patties. I miss taking pictures with complete randoms who touched my hair, face, and eyes. I miss waking up to the sounds of fireworks at 5 am. I miss skypeing loved ones. I miss going to the grocery store and having herds of families follow your every move. I miss traveling all across China by myself with the confidence that I will arrive at my destination in one piece. I miss the sleeper buses and trains. I miss the cigarettes being blown in my face. I miss being taken to a brothel against my will. I miss hostels.

Today, I miss everything about Asia and traveling. I need to get out and be adventurous. Sorry for the picture overload.

Fearless

2011-04-13T23:45:00.000-06:00

No this post is not going to be about Taylor Swift, don't worry. Even though, I would love that. And you should too.

I've been thinking a lot lately. About life. My future. My relationships. My schoolwork.

It hit me, I live in a world surrounded by fear. My whole life, I have been fearful. Whether it be me and my fear of the dark, or the fear of someone sneaking in to my house and stealing my brand new bicycle. (I even kept it in my bedroom at night.) My life has been completely revolved around fear.

I have always been fearful, but why? I ask myself that question every single day. Growing up, I was afraid of everything.

Being late to school.

Getting a detention.

Disappointing my parents.

Getting bad grades.

Getting caught by the police every time my friends and I went toilet papering.

Getting in fights with people.

Growing up.

Getting a good job.

Hurting people's feelings.

Getting injured or killed by someone/something.

Getting caught with a messy room.

Before the days of unlimited texting, going over on my monthly plan.

and of course, getting emotionally hurt.

I was always that friend that would stop and say, "But you guys! We shouldn't! We could get in a lot of trouble!" I really was terrified of ever living in the moment. Being dangerous. Taking risks. Only in the past couple of years, have I branched out. Lived a little. Stepped out of my comfort zone. It's a growing process, and one that I am learning about every day. But why do we have fears? Why do I have more fears than most? Could it be of my intense parental relationships? My parents divorce? Me being picked on throughout elementary school by both my peers and my siblings? Where does it come from? It has to derive from somewhere, right? I can't figure it out, but I am guessing I never will. But that sucks for me, because here I am, still living in a subtle state of fear. I can't seem to let things go sometimes.

I have a fear of being vulnerable. It's the pits. I hate putting myself out there and exposing my inner self to people(especially girl) and being ok with it. Because who knows what will happen? Summer is right around the corner, someone is staying here in Utah while I go work in California. Long distance relationships don't work. Never will. Get that in your head. I am stuck in a place where I don't know what to do. Or what to say. But I will avoid talking about it/conflicts at all costs. Because that is who I am. I have a lot of growing up to do. I need to learn to let things go and just go with the flow. Not have fears. Because fears are major set backs in life. I just hope I can learn to face my fears, and do things in life that make me scared and exposed. I hear that you learn the most from them any way.

Ok, I'll include a Taylor Swift quote, just for you.
"To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS."
— Taylor Swift

I Sold My Soul To The Devil

2011-04-02T20:43:00.000-06:00

Yes. I surely did. Ok, not really, but kind of. I signed on to do Summer Sales. For those of my readers who are not from Utah, (which I highly doubt exist) I will quickly explain what Summer Sales is. Summer Sales . . . where to begin. Sales-based companies are companies that rely on 18-24 year old men and women to sell their products from door to door. These men and women are usually return missionaries who have experience with door to door activity. Their products are either; 1. Alarm Systems (the worst) 2. Dish/Cable (kinda weird) 3. Pest Control (even weirder) 4. Food Storage (good luck selling outside of Utah) 5. Scriptures on Tapes (good luck selling outside of Utah)

There is a perk about selling for the summer. "What," you may ask? They send you to cities all across the country. Some are definitely better than others. Definitely a perk if you're lucky.

You may be wondering which category I fall into. No, I cannot do Alarm Systems because. .

I don't have big enough muscles.

I don't have bedazzled jeans.

I don't take an hour to get ready.

I am not a good liar.

I don't drive a lifted truck.

and I don't own an iPhone.

The company I am doing for the Summer is Rhino Pest Services. You also may be wondering why I decided to do this one . .

I don't feel comfortable deceiving people in to sales (alarm systems) and I feel like this is the next easiest thing to sell. Pest Control. Why? Because you can make good money, if you're good in a short amount of time. The other reason why I decided to sell for Rhino is that I'll be packing up my things and moving in to a furnished, clean apartment in the heart of Orange County. suck on that. My dream come true. I really am so excited even though it will be hard work. I'm going with my best friend Jeff. We're bound to have a good time. hopefully

It has been a continuous joke amongst my friends that we are doing Summer Sales. For example, today I was on KSL looking for cars to buy and I came across a Rolls Royce. I looked over to Ryan and said, "After the Summer, I'll buy this with my Summer Sales money." We both shared a good laugh over it. I'll really surprise him with it when we move in to our apartment and I'll be unloading my stuff out of my Rolls Royce. Jokes on him.

Anyway, I think this next part might be a little covetous, but who cares? I really have created a wish list of things I will be purchasing by the end of the summer. These are things I want/need.

1. Black Acura TSX.

2.Macbook Pro

3. A Dog

4. A hanging chair for my apartment next school year.

5. A new Blackberry

I think that is just about it. Don't worry, I'll be putting a lot of it in savings too.

Thanks for listening. Wish me luck when I leave in a month!

Re-Affirmation

2011-03-30T16:42:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you need a day where someone tells you how amazing you are. Because you can never hear it enough.

Today I had the opportunity to get some coffee with a dear friend of mine from my freshman year up here at Utah State. It's always nice catching up with old friends. We chatted for a couple hours and time flew.

Growing up in Utah isn't all that people make it seem to be. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed to have been raised how I was raised, but it's different. Growing up, I was never strong in the church and I really had some personal experiences that made me question and fall away. People tended to look at me a little different at my high school when the majority were members. College came and I thought it would be a little different, but it wasn't. I got asked, "When are you leaving on your mission?" a lot and my response was, "Uhh. . I'm not." Some people accepted that, and some people didn't. The dating scene was challenging because you meet this amazing girl and she finds out you're not going on a mission and her whole mindset changes. Does that make me a bad person? People assume that if you didn't go on a mission, you have either: A.) made some mistakes B.) party a ton C.) are selfish

For me, none of those applied. It just wasn't for me.

So today, we discussed life and all that comes with it. There are only a couple of people that completely understand me and how I work, and my dear friend is one of them. We discussed how Spirituality is so important and how dare people accuse me of not having a close relationship with God just because I don't belong to their church. I realize that most of my blog readers are members, and I am not bashing you at all. I completely respect you. It was just nice to know that some people can still see the good in people even though they don't belong to the same religion. It was reassuring to know that the good in people often outweigh the bad. It made me look forward to the future. It was inspiring. It's so nice to have those people to go to who understand my relationship with God and how important it is to me. Because my God isn't different than yours.

I strongly suggest reading The Shack

to anyone who is interested in reading about Spirituality and how that word can mean so many different things. It changed my life. I hope I don't offend anyone because that is not what I meant to do. I am just grateful for people in my life who love me for me and not for my decisions or lack thereof.

Utah State Bucket List

2011-03-27T21:25:00.000-06:00

So I made this little Bucket List my freshman year when I heard of all the fun things and traditions that Utah State does. Some of them I have finished, and some of them I am working on. Here it is . .

~~-Become A True Aggie~~

~~-Become An Ultimate Aggie (ride the bull naked)~~

~~-Touchdown Club(streak the football field from endzone to endzone)~~

-Sleep over in the Student Center

-Sleep over in the library

~~-Swim in the TSC fountains~~

-Sleep on the Quad

-Make out in the library

~~-Get a Scholarship~~

-Get arrested by the USU police

-Sleep in the Spectrum

-Be involved in an organization

-Run for ASUSU

-Get in the Police Blotter

-Kiss a professor (i guess the cheek counts)

-Punch Tai Wesley

~~-Clean the Sink~~

-Graduate in a program I love

~~-Go to the Nunnery~~

I LOVE UTAH STATE!

What It Is

2011-03-22T00:59:00.000-06:00

This post is going to be a little all over the place, but just be patient with me. So I have this problem. You see, I am not one to wear my feelings out on my sleeves. I keep my thoughts and feelings inside unless I'm extremely comfortable with you, or I write it down here on my blog where I never have to vocalize it. I know I have had bad experiences in the past where I tell someone how I truly feel and it explodes in my face like when Seamus Finnigan attemps any charm/spell in Harry Potter. So I hardly do it. Ever. This issue/problem/set back has bitten me and will continue to bite me in the ass.

Lately things have been going so well in life. I am dating such an awesome girl who I don't deserve and often wonder "why me?" I have never been the relationship type. I have been close so many times, but I never let my guard down. Things are all great until it comes down to that fine wire. Then, I run. I always think of when the relationship will end before it even begins. Or I lead them on, then find another girl and then you know how that scenario ends. I love the chase. It excites me. It makes me feel alive. But here I am, in one of my favorite cities, dating a girl who I don't think I could ever get sick of.

You don't know how huge this is for me. I am actually committing myself to one person and I am completely ok with it. I love it. I am not running in the opposite direction while blaming it on some girl and how she wasn't content with the way things were going. When in fact, it was all me. Now I'm not saying I'm in love or anything like that, because you all know my stance on how love is fictional, but this is a feeling that I have never had. It excites me yet scares me all at the same time. I question myself every day though, because who knows what the future has in store? That scares me. Who knows if I can actually do this whole commitment thing. What if these walls are not ready to come down? What if I put myself out there and take that leap and then I plunge in to the black hole of loneliness? There is so much unknown. The unknown scares me. I like order. Having a set way.

Who knows what the future has in store for me, but I just hope I am ready for it. I just hope I am mature enough to handle it. So, future . . bring it on.

I Shouldn't Have

2011-02-28T11:52:00.001-07:00

So this weekend, I went home to go to the Rooney and Eisley concert. THEY WERE AMAZING!

So glad I went. But while I was home, I was flipping through the channels and was magnetized to watch Richie Rich. Classic. While watching Richie Rich, a commercial came on. You know which one I am talking about. It starts off with the sounds of Sarah Mclachlan's soprano voice doing her thing while short clips of abused dogs are shown on the screen. I am usually not a sucker for this, but it pulled me in. I wanted to donate every dollar I own to give to those poor dying dogs. Instead, I googled "Humane Societies in Logan, Utah." I was taken to the Cache Valley Humane Society website and was on there for at least two hours. Supposedly it's against my housing contract to own a dog, but it never stopped some of my friends! I am 92% sure that I will own a dog by the end of the week.

How can you resist this?

or this?

or him?

or what about cute, little Toby?

When I see these pictures, I just see "Ryan, buy me! Take me home! We will be the best of friends!"

I want to go in to the Humane Society this week, but I know that I will come out with a new best friend. If I don't adopt one soon, I'll at least volunteer or something. I have now added "Adopt a Pet from a Humane Society" to my Bucket List.

Oh Hey!

2011-02-25T00:38:00.000-07:00

I didn't see you there.

So lately I have been completely busy with school, work, and elections that I haven't had much time to blog. I haven't even hung out with girl as much as I would like.

I have had this thought on my mind for qutie some time so . . Well here it goes,

So when I got back from China, I didn't know where I was going to work in Logan. Jobs are extremely difficult to come by and I definitely needed some income. I began networking with friends and relatives and they didn't hear a thing. Einsteins crossed my mind but I just laughed it off. I had worked there for over 4 years, there is no way I would ever go back. Especially the one in Logan. I mean, I worked my ass off when I worked there. Everyone in the Einsteins world knew me. I was the youngest shift manager in the state of Utah and it definitely showed why. I worked at various stores helping out when needed, I trained new employees who were years older than me, I guess I was a big deal. (I still am a big deal in case you forgot)A mini Einsteins celeb if you will. So the thought of coming back to Einsteins was kind of nauseating and degrading to my ego. But, after a couple days of not hearing a thing, I did it. I called my scary boss (who hated me during my freshman year because I always asked for holidays off to go home) and asked her for my job back. Without hesitating, she put me on the next schedule. I told her to work me 15-20 hours a week because I really want to focus on school this semester. I looked at the schedule, and I was at 32. . . . uhhh . . . thanks? Well my first day, I was somewhat hesitant and a little nervous to come in to a new crew who had worked with each other for a while. I was nice and outgoing and asked questions about everyone who was there. I'll keep names out, but there are some interesting people that work there. You have: 1. The weed smoker who loves talking about how dank his weed is these days. 2. The nymphomaniac who is recently engaged and loves talking about her sex life even when you tell her it makes you feel a little uncomfortable. 3. The flaming gay kid who loves talking about his past relationships and why all men are assholes. 4. The overweight gal who talks about why she will never get married and why she resorts to eating. 5. The red-neck who just graduated high school and claims he will get married to his high school sweet heart and not just because she's pregnant, but because he loves her. 6. The high school cheerleader who asked me why people think President Obama is black. "cuz he's not."

But there has been one girl who has really humbled me in more ways than she even knows. I have never told her how much her story has effected me but it really is something. .

Let's say her name is . . . Taylor(I love that name) Well you see, Taylor is the typical sweet girl who doesn't have much to say. She works really hard, she does tasks when you ask her and she doesn't talk back or ask why. She listens to my complaining when I tell her how much I hate customers sometimes and how I hate working for a corporate restaurant and how the girl I like can't hang out when I want her to and blah blah blah. She listens, gives advice, smiles, and acts interested. You can tell just from talking to her that she has one of the biggest hearts you will ever know. Well it hit me last time I worked with her, that I don't know a single thing about her. I mean I know she's from Arizona and moved to Utah to be with her mom and she doesn't have enough money to go to school, but that is all superficial stuff. I wanted to know Taylor and learn things about her that no one else knows. She usually works until 3 and I work until 5 so we are always working together. I made it my weekly goal to get to know Taylor and find out what makes her tick.

Well you see, Taylor is like an onion and the more I work with her, the more layers I cut into. She began telling me how she has had 4 of her best friends commit suicide and how she's scared of getting attached to people because they all leave her one way or another. She then told me of her abusive relationship with her father and how he used to beat her until she had to get medical attention. She really did love Pheonix, but she couldn't handle it any more. Mind you, Taylor is 2 years younger then me so 19 as of now. She said high school was a rough time for her because she had low self esteem and let men take advantage of her. She stayed in toxic relationships because that is all she ever knew. She moved to Logan during her senior year and finished at Logan High. She moved in with her dysfunctional mother and has been miserable ever since. Her mother is an alcoholic and is hardly home. Her mother comes home every couple of weeks with a new boyfriend and is treated like a doormat. Her mothers addictions get in the way of raising her two youngest boys who are 14, and 17 and who no longer attend school. They dropped out. Taylor then tells me of her dreams and how she doesn't even know how she's going to survive the year because she may have to get legal guardianship of her two younger brothers because she is raising them while her mother is out feeding her addictions. She told me of her dreams to some day be a therapist to help children who have gone through hell so she can restore a little peace in the world.

My stomach hurt. My eyes welled up. My heart beat real fast. My lips quivered.

How dare I tell her how awful my life is because I got a 70 % on my Business midterm. Because I have the opportunity to go to school. How dare I tell her how awful my life is because my dad may have replaced me with a new family. Because my dad loves me no matter what and would never lay a finger on me. How dare I tell her how awful my life is because me and girl couldn't hang out and I really wanted to see her. Because me and girl have an awesome thing going and there is some normalcy in the relationship. How dare I tell her how stressed I am because I want to do killer things on Spring Break with my friends and not worry about money. Because I have killer parents who can actually help me out.

China humbled me, but I don't think there is a limit on humility. My heart seriously cracked a little when she told me all of this. I found it fascinating that she seemed so content with life. Her laugh makes everyone else laugh because it is so contagious.

I guess the life lesson that I learned is don't judge a person right off the bat. Get to know them. People are fascinating creatures that are highly complex. So be nice to everyone you meet, because they are fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Love Is Like A Shooting Star

2011-02-14T19:02:00.000-07:00

Love is like a shooting star, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash it's gone.

There it is. That four letter word that used to send shivers down my spine. That four letter word that made my stomach cringe and my mouth feel as if it were full of cotton. That four letter word that is thrown around like a basketball at an Aggie game. That four letter word that made me question and desire so much.

love

I have questioned many things in life, but love is at the top of the charts. You could say that I am not a believer. Call me crazy, juvenile, irrational, unrealistic, depressed, etc. But I have never been much of a believer in love. Granted, I love my family. I love my dog. I love my life. But what kind of love is the love that is described and shown in pictures, movies, and music? It's a love on an entirely different level. Can you give me the definition of that love? Didn't think so. Growing up in my dysfunctional family, I always questioned the validity of those 3 words, "I LOVE YOU." With the thousands of times it is said in one day, how many times are sincerely spoken? How many people truly mean it with every fiber in their being? In my experience, close to none. I mean I have said it to friends but they are just friends. Friends can be replaced and often are. I have said it to past girlfriends just because they say it to me, but they can definitely be replaced. I say it to my Taylor Swift calender, and that can definitely be replaced.

What I am saying is that I am on my quest for love. To look for it and find out what it entirely means. I haven't completely cut it out of my life, but now I am a changed man who is searching for it's meaning. A huge part of me is skeptical and doesn't really think that it will work out. But then there is another part of me, no matter how small, that says "What if it is right in front of you and you are too bitter to take it up?" I am open for new things. I am beginning to realize that the sense of vulnerability is often positive. You must put yourself out there. Take risks. Smile. If it doesn't work out, there are billions of others out there who are waiting for an awesome guy like me to sweep them off their feet. I just hope that when it is in my life, I'll know it. I hope to have that feeling of having one person be your other half. I look forward to it. I began this post thinking it would be super negative, but my thoughts never cease to amaze me. I am fascinated with how much growth has taken place in my life within the past year.

Valentines Day is a unique holiday. I have never done anything over the top. I have bought candy, flowers, and cards. I have made scrapbooks with memories and pictures. I have bought material items that soon lost their meaning. So what am I doing this year? I am going to go buy girl some of her favorite candy, flowers, and a secret surprise and decorating her room. It isn't much, but we're just at the beginning of that relationship. Who knows what will happen. I like to think I am creative, but I'd like to thank my sisters for that.

I hope you all have an awesome Valentines and that you do something memorable with someone/something you love. Whether it be go on a romantic date, or sit back and watch the first season of Friends.

Cheers to love. Whatever it means.

Stumbled Upon

2011-02-09T18:27:00.000-07:00

Today while attempting to study, I decided to Stumble and I came across a story that really stopped and made me think.

about life

about how one decision has such an impact

how the people you hardly remember can make the biggest impact

how life can fly by

here's the story. It didn't have an author, but this is not mine. It's called "The Cab Ride I'll Never Forget."

"Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.

It was a cowboy’s life, a life for someone who wanted no boss.

What I didn’t realize was that it was also a ministry.

Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a moving confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in total anonymity, and told me about their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, and made me laugh and weep.

But none touched me more than a woman I picked up late one August night. I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partyers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a worker heading to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town.

When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.

Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away.

But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation.

Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.

So I walked to the door and knocked. “Just a minute”, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80′s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knick-knacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

“Would you carry my bag out to the car?” she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

“It’s nothing”, I told her. “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.”

“Oh, you’re such a good boy”, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?”

“It’s not the shortest way,” I answered quickly.

“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.”

I looked in the rear view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.

“I don’t have any family left,” she continued. “The doctor says I don’t have very long.”

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. “What route would you like me to take?” I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now.”

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.

“Nothing,” I said.

“You have to make a living,” she answered.

“There are other passengers”.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

“You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said. “Thank you.”

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware – beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one."

Sorry for the length, but I love it.

My Hero and Best Friend

2011-02-05T17:59:00.001-07:00

If any of you know me really well, you should know that there is a single person who has influenced my life in more ways than they could ever know. I have never really experienced the typical "you meet someone and instantly click" until that. I met her through my neighbors in Snow Hall. I remember it as if it were yesterday.

I was making myself a delicious quesadilla on my roommate Cam's Quesadilla Maker but I never purchased a cheese grater so I always borrowed the neighbors. I walked down the hall approximately 20 feet to room 308. The residence of the Bountiful High girls, M Rhoads, and Sienna. When I knocked, I was greeted by a foreign figure. She was laughing and had the presence of a mature woman. She wore ragged cut-off jeans, a red/white plaid shirt tucked in, with the coolest kicks I have ever seen. She smiled with her perfect, white teeth. Her hand reached out to grab mine as she said, "Hi! My name's Rachel! It's nice to meet you!" My smile was from ear to ear.

She was beautiful. Again, if you know me, I have a unique sense of humor and not that many people get it. Rachel got it. We clicked and I spent over 20 minutes discussing life, love, and politics with her. I knew it was the start of an awesome relationship. I then found out that we were in the same Sociology class and our love blossomed. We have had thousands of memories, jokes, and hamburgers together. If there is one person who gets me, it is Rachel Kime. Here are just a couple of the thousands of pictures we have together.

My heart seriously hurts because I miss her so much. She is currently in Provo Utah at the Missionary Training Center while she is preparing to serve a mission for her church. She is called to serve in Carlsbad, California and she is asked to learn the Spanish Language.

I am so proud of her. She is such an awesome person and those of you who have the privilege of knowing her, know how truly inspiring she is. She makes me want to be a better person. She accepts me for my flaws and loves me unconditionally. She is there even when I am not always there for her. Rachel Kime is the definition of selfless. I can't wait to be reunited with her. Only 17 more months.

Her favorite quote from Invisible Monsters,

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I have ever known.

This is strange because Rachel Kime is the most unique person I have ever met. Can't wait to see you, Rach. God speed.

Here I Am, Waiting . . .

2011-01-31T00:04:00.000-07:00

Here I am, sitting in my warm comfy bed, waiting for it to happen. You know what I am talking about. That terrible

thing

to happen. It seems as if, in my experience, whenever life is going better than planned, something comes in to my life like a tornado leaving open wounds and scars as it comes roaring in. Life is too great. This is too good to be true. I am sitting here, waiting for it to happen. I'm ready for it. And I am gonna hit it head on with a smile on my face because right now, nothing can take this happiness away from me.

via

Do You Ever . .

2011-01-26T16:30:00.002-07:00

. . have those days where you wake up and think how great it is to be you?

have those days where everything happens just perfectly?

have those days where you feel so much love from people around you that you are about to explode?

have those days where you can't wipe the smile off your face?

have those days where everything just feels right?

I never truly realized how great life can be. I used to always focus on the negatives in my life and what I need to improve.

China changed me

Not only did I grow fond of Asians, but I matured. I have become so grateful. I have looked at my life and realized how blessed I am. In every day there are thousands of things that you don't notice that make this world complete. I am so lucky to have the opportunity to receive a good education. I am so lucky to have such a strong family support system. I am so lucky to surround myself with awesome friends who love me for me. I am so lucky to be an American. I am so lucky to live the life I do.

My birthday was awesome. It seems that every year that passes, birthdays are less and less exciting. Which I am ok with. I woke up and had breakfast with my awesome neighbors and friends. I received countless text/phone calls/owls to wish me an awesome birthday. I was greeted by warming hugs and friendly voices as I walked to class. I was sung to in the Library by familiar and unfamiliar faces. I had lunch and coffee with an amazing girl. I went to see a Sundance film, The Music Never Stopped(which was amazing)

with my best friend and others. I came back to Brownies on my bed. I talked with loving family members and friends who are all across the nation who stopped with their busy lives to wish me a happy birthday. I went to bed with a permanent smile on my face.

I am one lucky dawg.

first picture via

happy birthday to me

2011-01-25T02:06:00.000-07:00

It's official.

I'm 21

So far I have gotten a couple of these . . .

and one of these . . .

and I got to spend it with the girl I'm diggin these days. Well it's only 2 in the morn, so I have all day to celebrate but it's been awesome so far! I never thought I would ever be this old.

Forgive Me

2011-01-22T16:17:00.000-07:00

for making some changes. I am no longer Salt Lake Lonely Boy. I feel like I made this when I was in a weird state in life. Here I am, up in Logan, surrounded by good friends and company.

You know what I love lately? Making music with friends. I am so angry at my parents for letting me quit Piano, Guitar, and Voice Lessons. Oh well, I still have fun.

Life Is What You Make It

2011-01-10T23:58:00.000-07:00

Where do I even BEGIN?!

These past few months have been a little crazy. I wish I could write about it all, but I know that I would be able to write for hours and not fill this post with enough details and stories as I would like. I am back up at Utah State and I am loving every minute of it. Even if I sold my car before I came up. Even if the temperatures are so cold that it hurts my lungs to breathe. Even if there are thousands of "Sweet-Bro's" and "Molly Mo's." (Sweet-Bro: Boy who uses the word "DUDE" and "TIGHT" every other word. They often wear Hollister Polos with Laguna Beach jeans with thick white stitching every where. Molly Mo: Girl who poofs her hair higher than Snooki who wears Aeropostale sweatsuits and is counting down the days until she meets her Eternal Companion.) I love Logan and have missed it so much. Everything is falling in to place and life is so good.

China was great. Seriously there is not an hour that goes by in which I don't stop and think about my experiences there. I often find myself figuring out what time it is there and thinking, "Right now my students are . . . doing their morning exercises." or " . . . cleaning their terrible dormitories." or " . . . eating their meals that consist of tofu, noodles, chicken feet, and pumpkin."

I miss it. I really do. It was good for me. I learned a lot about life and about myself. I learned things that are unobtainable in a classroom. I learned patience beyond belief. I now have a comfort that I could travel anywhere in the world and it would be easy.

I grew a love for the Chinese people and culture and I never thought that it would have been possible. I saw things that I only dreamt about. I had encounters with people and things that I never thought would actually happen in real life. It was awesome.

I took tons of pictures.

The Great Wall

An Assembly

Dinner provided by my student

Riding an electric horse with Leah

Buddhist Temples

Spectacular Views

Fortune Tellers

Mystical Mountains

Junior Students

Lady bathing in the Yangze River

Just a Camel

Students Track Meet

Yangshuo, China

Markets

Beautiful

Bamboo Raft

I'd kill to be there right now

Leah walking in Ningyuan

Homeless Man

You never see a chinese person being goofy

My Boys

Saying Goodbye

Making dumplings with my students

"Stink Street" - Self Explanatory

Merry Christmas

Signing Autographs

I must have said something inappropriate

Break Dancing

My Little Brother and Best Friend Parker

Shanghai

Last Minute Asian Haircut

Kissing American Soil

Family

It really was an amazing experience and I talk about it whenever I can. It was life changing and I hope to go back someday.

I finished my first day of classes in Logan and I'm excited to see what this semester will bring. Now that I am in a country where Blogger is not blocked, you'll be hearing from me more often. I know you missed me.

Salt Lake Lonely Boy Who Lives In Logan

Ni Hao!

2010-09-14T11:45:00.000-06:00

So I am using a proxy site because blogger is blocked, but I have to tell America how much I am loving China. The tour at the beginning was awesome. I went to Hong Kong, and Beijing and loved every single minute. It took a while to fall in love with the asian people, but they really are all so kind and loving and they yearn for affection. My 1,200 students love my personality and my blue eyes. They are willing to do anything for us. I have already had so many awesome experiences, I can only imagine what will happen within the next 3 and a half months. I am currently in the province of Hunan in a really rural city called Ningyuan. The city itself is little but bustling and full of life. Every night at the town square there is dancing and you know I try to go every night. The ladies love it and as soon as we get there, there is a giant swarm of people admiring our dance skillz. The people here haven't seen many foreigners so we are the talk of the town. Asians don't believe in being tactful so if they are shocked to see you, they will show it. Pointing, yelling, staring, and taking pictures is an every day occurance. The peace sign is a must. This past weekend I had the coolest experience. Grant, my American friend from Logan, woke up on Saturday and wanted to go to the outskirts of the city to take pictures and talk to the people. (He speaks Mandarin fluently basically) We weren't sure how we were going to get there, but we were going to do it. About thirty minutes after waking up, we get a call from our Liason telling us he wants to take us to his village to show us where he grew up. Turns out, he grew up in the countryside. We did as we were told and met him in front of our school's campus at 1:30. I charged my camera and filled two water bottles. (you cannot drink the water here unless it is bottled.) The drive was something I can not even put in to words. The views of the beautiful mountains just outside our city are of all shapes and sizes. They are covered in lush, green trees and plants with an array of colorful flowers. It seriously had me speechless. My Liason told us that in the mountains there are wild monkeys that are very easy to catch. He's going to take us monkey hunting next week. We soon arrive to his village and I was appalled at the living conditions. So they are all farmers. They grow their own food such as rice, vegetables, peanuts, chickens, pigs, cows, and lots of fruit depending on the season. As soon as we arrived, children ran out of their homes to see who was in an actual car. Our Liason then told us that they really have not seen white people ever. They were so scared of us and were terrified if we made eye contact. We began taking a walk around the village to check things out. The village has a community bathtub which is water drainage from a near-by lake. We then walked to the lake and I saw the most beautiful views I have ever seen. It was quite the trek up to the lake, but it was worth every calf-ache. When we arrived to the lake, we noticed quite a few men who were skinny dipping. They thought nothing of our appearance and continued doing their thing. I couldn't stop laughing. You know when Natalie Allen laughs and she can't stop laughing? Yeah, that was my life the entire time. We then walked the shoreline and I caught glimpses of snakes, fish, sheep, cows, pigs, dogs, and tons of chickens. We then stop at our Liason's family pig farm. We were looking at the coolest pigs and I pointed to the one that had the best personality. Little did I know, we would be eating that exact same pig for dinner. The children followed us the entire time and they eventually warmed up to us. They would grab on to your hand and drag you while they ran to the tallest rock for the best view of the village. This one 4 year old boy stole a piece of my heart that day. He was so young and innocent and his laugh brought a smile from ear to ear on anyone who could hear him. He wore grungy clothes but had the best character. He would play tag with me and I would sing him little songs and he would repeat them. When he grabbed my hand, I noticed that he only had 9 and a half fingers. One had recently been cut off from who knows what. The only thing that helped his severed finger, was a single strip of gauze that they would wash and reattach. The gauze was a yellow-brown color and I knew it probably had tons of infection, but I could not let go of his hand. He was the cutest thing and was so sad when we had to go inside and eat. We said goodbye to the children and then started dinner. This dinner was insane. FRESH rice, chicken, eggplant, peanuts, pork, eggs, and chicken feet galore. It was a sight I will never forget. The chinese people are all so giving and would do anything for a friend or foreigner. Dinner came to an end and I was so thankful to be coming back to my dingy apartment that I so often complain about. I haven't complained since and I am so glad that I live in America. I have never been much of a Patriot until now, but I really am falling in love with the Chinese people and their culture. I have to go to class, but I will do my best to keep you updated with my life. Gossip Girl is starting soon and I have to wait until December to watch any of the episodes. Talk to you soon. (hopefully)

saltlakelonelyboy

It Hit Me . . .

2010-08-14T01:51:00.003-06:00

Tonight as I said farewell to two of my best friends, it hit me. I am leaving for Ningyuan, China in 54 hours. Of course it isn't a farewell, it is simply a see you later type thing. But still, it's sad. A lot can happen in four months. With the way things are in Utah, half the people I know will either be engaged, or pregnant! Besides the point, my heart is full. Bittersweet. As I closed a chapter in my life today of working my last day at Urban Blues, sweet nostalgia filled my heart as I locked the back door of this place of business. The company has been good to me no matter how often I complain about being cold due to my boss's menopause. I got the job when I came back from living in San Francisco last summer. I am all about adventure. I guess you can say, I hate sitting still. It has always been one thing after another with me. Ever since my parent's divorce six years ago, I have been running. Running from emotions that would sooner or later catch up to me. Running with anger, knowing that my life would never be the same. Running with a positive attitude hoping life would somehow turn out perfect in the end. But I only realized, it's not perfect. That in the little flaws there is something beautiful. Something that you cannot explain. There is something in that flat tire when you are in a hurry that makes you realize how funny life can be sometimes. I can no longer run from my life.

People have asked my why I chose to go to China to teach English and I never really had a strong answer. I kind of meandered my thoughts and told them I did it because I wanted to. This is the truth. I do want to do this with every fiber in my being. But why China? I have never been absolutely fond of Asians. Today I came to my conclusion. All of my best friends have left me to serve their church in a two-year mission. I never ruled that option out, but life has never been easy for me. I never plan out my future. I just take it one step at a time. The thought of a mission kind of freaked me out. So I found China Horizons and it felt right. My own mission. Serving the people in China for four months while receiving nothing in return. But will I receive nothing? Of course I will purchase hundreds of little souvenirs along the way that are super cheap and may not last too long, but is that it? I have a belief that I will grow beyond my years and become a man. I need to grow up. I may not always want to, but I need to. I need to find my calling in life. My niche. I am sure that four months living in a foreign country will help me guide a path in what I want to do with my life. The people in China are waiting for me, and I am waiting for them. You may think that four months, isn't that long, but I think it is just long enough. I am hoping that while in China I will learn to love myself. I hope to love everything about me. For when I love myself, I then can love another. I am not a firm believer in love. I may think it is wildy fanciful and often unrealistic. But that is the joy of life. Finding things out for your self. Maybe getting hurt in the end, but atleast you can learn something and take it with you in other relationships.

As you can see, I have a lot going on in my head while I sit on my bed and stare at my black suitcase half filled with random belongings. Tomorrow, I don't have to wake up at 7 am to go to work. I am no longer employed for the rest of the year. See you in January people. You will hopefully be hearing from me soon. On the other side of the world. Sorry for the random thoughts that are scattered about but these are my thoughts as I think them. No proof-reading necessary. Until next time . . .

SALT LAKE LONELY BOY

One California Day

2010-08-05T11:56:00.016-06:00

I'm home. I didn't ever want to return home. I love everything about California. Always have. I know someday, I will be out there permanently. I went on this vacation with my beautiful mom and sassy sister. It was a real treat. If I wasn't leaving for China in 11 days, I would have done a lot more shopping. It was a relaxing trip with lots of lounging around the beach, eating at delicious diners, and taking a lot of pictures. I love my family.
I don't think I can really pull off hats, but I had to buy this one because I loved it soo much.
love
Next year, me and a couple of buddies are moving down here for the summer and working at the Pier. Helping Newports Finest.
Stopped in St. George to see a close family friend, Madison.
Little friend in the Tide pools.
While eating my Balboa Bar, I saw this poster with the autographs of the whole OC cast. I was a little starstruck just from their signatures. Summer Roberts is ma gurl.
Stopped at Diagon Alley. only kidding. This is a perfume shop. I love HP.
Longboarded every where.
Seaweed Jump-rope
When I am wealthy and have a family, I will knock on this beach house door and say, "I would like to buy this house. Name the price. Any price."
I am still finding sand all over.
Home
R.I.P. Marissa Cooper.
Balboa.

See you soon, Newport Beach. I will miss you.

Salt Lake Lonely Boy.

Newport Living

2010-07-30T14:09:00.002-06:00

work off:check

iPod charged:check

bags packed:check

Nalgene and Swedish Fish in front seat:check

longboard:check

sunblock:check

digital and polaroid camera:check

coffee:check

nothing but swimsuits:check

I am gonna be gone for a cuppladays. I am off to Newport to chill with Seth Cohan, Summer Roberts, and Julie Cooper-Nichol. Don't be jealous. Why all of you guys are working, I'll be watching the U.S. Open for Surfing up at Huntington Beach.

god speed

SLLB

Isn't It Crazy?

2010-07-25T21:00:00.004-06:00

Isn't it crazy how funny life can be? How one moment you can be so upset by a certain something or someone and then the next you can totally be distracted by that thought and all the world is solid bliss.

People are funny.

I have learned a few things lately that will definitely help me when I leave this country for four and a half months.

1. Trust no one, but yourself.

2. Not everybody will love you.

3. No matter where you go, you cannot run from certain emotions.

4. Music is always the best form of therapy.

5. Don't ever feel sorry for yourself. Pick your self up by the boots and keep trudging along.

6. People worry too much about being beautiful in life and they shouldn't because life in itself is beautiful.

7. Girl's tend to play too many mind games so I need to find myself a woman.

8. You can't please everybody no matter how hard you try.

9. Don't be too nice, because people will take advantage of you.

10. Try everything once. Then you can say if you really do or do not like it.

In case you can't tell, I have been thinking a lot lately about life, friends, family, school, and work. This whole living-in-China thing is really starting to sink in. (22 days until I am gone) I have to think about which school I am going to in the Spring right now. So I will either be an Aggie, or a Ute. I have a feeling everything will fall in to place as life goes on.

Chow Lo Mein

SLLB

Summer Highlite

2010-07-18T16:24:00.003-06:00

Where to begin? . . .

I work with a few illegals who will remain anonymous due to legal issues. They are hilarious and don't speak a word of English. I took four years of it at Wasatch Junior and Skyline High and have picked up quite a bit because that is the only way to communicate with my co-workers. I wouldn't say I know a lot, but I can somewhat communicate with them.

Since they always listen to the Mexican Polka, I always ask them when they were going to take me dancing. (I didn't think they actually would . . ) Let's just say they took me way too soon.

So . . Rosa . . yes, Rosa . . called me and started speaking in Spanish at one million words per minute saying that her friends were going to go clubbing and that she wanted me to come. I felt bad so I agreed. I told her that I am not 21 yet and that I don't think I could go to many places. She said it was all good and to meet her downtown. As we get downtown, I realize that you must be 21 to go! I was freaking out, but Rosa and her friend weren't. We go up to the bouncer while Rosa winks and does her thang(yes. thang) and he asks for our id's. My heart races. My throat tightens. I wouldn't last a day in jail. (can you tell I'm an over-analyzer?) He looks at the id, looks at my baby face, down at the id, and hands it back to me and smiles. How in the hell did I just get in to a club?! The shock didn't wear off until we were leaving. Let's just say that Mexican's can dance for hours no matter how sweaty they become. It was fun. I kind of felt like it was a bad scene of Jersey Shore, but it was all good. I had fun. I wish I brought my camera, but I was scared for many reasons to bring it.

My hips don't lie.

Love you long time.

S.L.L.B.

Blogger Neglected. My Apologies

2010-07-03T17:43:00.004-06:00

Sorry Cyber-World.

I've been a little busy. I'll be telling you what I have been up to once I get some time to upload some pictures and scan a few polaroids.

I HAVE SOME NEWS!!!!

I found out what city I am going to be living in for 4 months! (drum roll please)

Ningyuan, China

I am sooooo friggen excited! It is just North of Hong Kong which is on the southern end of China. Want to see some pictures? ok!

Beautiful!

So green!

So the population is a little over 2 million people and it is super close to a lot of fun area's! I really cannot wait! I wish I was leaving tomorrow. Now I have to figure out what I am going to pack! I leave August 15th! Let's live it up before I leave, eh?

Salt Lake Lonely Boy

And I Was Like . . . .

2010-06-11T01:29:00.004-06:00

Baby, Baby, Baby Nooooo

So this week, I have been told that I look like Justin Bieber.

or Justin Bieber's older brother.

or what Justin Bieber will look like in five years.

I have heard this from about 69 people.

ok . . about ten. but ten in one week! WTF! I don't see it and was kind of offended the first time my boss told me of this doppleganger.

I know I look a little young, but THAT young?

I don't think so.

Salt Lake Lonely Boy

Love is Blooming

2010-06-02T00:37:00.003-06:00

It's that time of year . . .

Wedding Season

yeah . . tell me about it. As I watch the smiling faces, and diamond rings cover my fridge with that glossy embossed photo paper, the more I watch The O.C. and realize how pitiful life can be.

I recently went to one of my friend's receptions in Pepperwood that was simply beautiful. Very classy. Let's just say the bride's mom might be related to Jackie O, Oprah, or Michelle Obama. That kind of classy. I took a hot date, and got all styled up for my fourth reception in four weeks. (One a week isn't too bad I suppose.)

So any-who, as I leave, there was a basket filled with tissue paper in the shape of a flower that had some goodies inside. Me being a fat ass, I grab three or four of course. As I get in my car with my beautiful date, I open up this ball of tissue to discover these little black particles in the shape of rocks about the size of Willy Wonka's NERDS. I didn't know what they were so I shoved them all in my mouth. There was no taste, so I went on to the next bag . . . . still nothing. Then the next bag . . . nothing. I realize that maybe I should read what they say on them.

"Thanks for coming to our wedding and watching our love Bloom."

uhhh . . . I have no clue what they are. So when I get home, I show my mom the bag and she says, "Oh my gosh! How cute! They wrapped up wild flower seeds in this beautiful tissue paper! That is such a cute idea."

Well there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. I am going to be sprouting wild flowers out of my nose, ears, and mouth in only a matter of weeks.

All those little seeds need is sunshine and Salt Lake is not getting much of that as of lately.

SL Lonely Boy

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

2010-05-19T00:08:00.000-06:00

So today . . . I watched the season finale of Gossip Girl.

Let's just say I was pretty emotional. I don't want to ruin it for anybody, but I have to wait 4 friggen months to find out if one of my favorite characters is still alive.

It's pretty sad how a television show can affect someone's mood.

JUDGE ME

Oh and I found out that I will be in China when Harry Potter 7 Part One comes out. I will go to the midnight showing (if they have one) by myself if I must.

Do You Remember?

2010-05-04T01:32:00.005-06:00

Do you guys remember that one time when I woke up 30 minutes late and was almost late to work?

Do you remember when I was in such a hurry I accidentally put my sisters contacts (which are -4.75 prescription) in my eyes instead of mine and everyone thought I had pink eye because my eyes were bright red for hours?

Or that one time when I get to work and my boss gives me a billion tasks to do in a five hour shift?

Or that other time when I had to stay an hour later because an old lady couldn't decide on what jeans fit her wrinkly thighs the best?

Or what about that time when I decided to walk to my dog and a bird just happened to shit on my arm?

Or maybe you'll remember that time one of my best friends flirted all night with a girl I've been digging for months?

Oh and what about the time my mom decided to do a load of laundry for me and stained a whole load with rust?

Well maybe you don't remember because that all happened today . . . .

pictures via

Summer 2010 Plans/Goals

2010-04-26T10:22:00.003-06:00

~Be on "The Price Is Right"
~Go to the Ellen Degeneris or Jay Leno show.
~Longboard Lombardt Street in San Francisco.
~Go to the pool at least twice a week.
~Go camping at least once a month.
~Work 40 - 60 hours a week unless on vacation.
~Sell My car and purchase a new longboard.
~Save $$$ for China.
~At least one kiss in the rain.
~Find my glasses or purchase a new pair. (accio glasses . . .)
~Salt Flats Photoshoot.
~Sing and play my guitar for Rachel Kime.
~Wakeboard at least twice a month.
~Job shadow Dr. Owens, or Dr. Jackson.
~Volunteer at either the M.D. camp or a local hospital.
~Play at a park.
~Visit my friends in West Yellowstone and Newport Beach.
~Concerts, Concerts, Concerts.
~Run the Ragnar Relay from Logan to Park City.
~Party hardy and live life as a 20 year old.

Salt Lake Lonely Boy

picture via

Dreaming With A Broken Heart

2010-04-20T23:33:00.003-06:00

DREAMS

We ALL have them.
I'm not talking about the dreams we have when we rest our almond shaped eyes. I am talking about dreams of life, love, and prosperity. Everyone has their own dreams.
I have always dreamt big. Really big. Maybe even too big (is that possible?)

I want my life to be full of achievements.
Dreams differ from person to person. Some dreams may be easier to achieve than others, but they are still dreams nonetheless. I often have dreams that are bigger than life itself. Will I achieve them? I sure hope so

But when? I have found myself saying, "Yeah . . . that would be way fun to move somewhere and make something of myself . . . ." But what exactly is stopping me? Yeah . . sure . . . money can put a little damper on things. . but I need to start working on achieving my dreams rather than sitting here talking/blogging about them. I need to do them before its too late because they always say that life flies by and to enjoy it while your young.

Dream BIG

Nothing's stopping you.

S.L.L.B.

picture via

Relationships Are For People Who Are Waiting For Something Better To Come Along

2010-04-18T23:50:00.005-06:00

Sundays. I'm in a love/hate relationship with them these days. Living in Utah definitely has it's ups and downs. One of those downs being the majority of the city is closed on Sunday. oh well

So after my five mile hike up beautiful Millcreek Canyon with my friend Kristen, I decided to finish the night watching one of my favorite movies, Hitch.

Some of my favorite quotes come from that movie even though many of them are ridiculously cheesy.

Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

Any guy can sweep any girl off her feet, he just needs the right broom.

Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the hell did I jump? But here I am, Sarah, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you.

Serena van der Woodsen . . I know you're out there. I'm looking for you.

Lonely Boy

N.C.M.O.

2010-04-14T23:06:00.002-06:00

Now taking applications for N.C.M.O.'s

Call/Text/E-Mail/BBM/Write me if you're interested.

Now don't you all go crazy. This is for a limited time only.

Unfamiliar with the term N.C.M.O.?? Talk to your local cougar(as in BYU cougar, not sexy old ladies) and they shall keep you informed.

Molcasalsa

2010-04-13T00:15:00.003-06:00

It was about 11:30 at night when my mother realized she needed to pay my sisters boyfriend for a new Wii remote and all she had was a hundred dollar bill. She had no clue where to go so I told her to treat me to a California Burrito at Molcasalsa because my man Hector would have change. So we go over there all chipper and order my delicious meal in the drive-thru. My dear friend Kara was with us as we chatted away in the Trailblazer. As the window is down, my mother is sliding her Benjamin back and forth in the window slot and all of the sudden it DISAPPEARS. She opens the door thinking the wind had taken it through the air, but nope. It was no where to be seen. Of course Kara and I were laughing thinking my mother was about to rage in to an array of curse words but she too giggled. As she rolled up her window, the sound of paper sliding against the windows had us completely silent. The bill slid in her car door where the window rolls down. I am still laughing about it. Now when she sells her car, she can say it's worth at least a hundred dollars, right?

Gone Reading

2010-04-06T23:17:00.004-06:00

Sorry if I haven't been texting/calling you back, I've just been sucked in to a book. Not just any book. A book that has me believing I am in a circus during the Depression era. {amazing}

Read it. I just hope they make the movie as good as the book. Like with good music, actors, and circus people.

(thanks kristen for lending me the book)

I need another book when I am done with this one. Suggestions?

Yesterday When We Were Young

2010-04-04T23:32:00.003-06:00

CHANGE

The only constant in this crazy world.

It often can leave me speechless how quickly and abrupt things can change.

Moods

Emotions

Fashion

Music

Friends

I suppose I don't despise change or I'd still be that squirrelly little child with braces underneath those chunky cheeks, but whenever I stop to think about it, I am always left a little weary. Like I said, change can be a good thing, but it doesn't make it any easier. Much has changed for me since high school. I have some new awesome friends, which also means I only talk to a select few from Skyline. I work at a pretty cool place(not Einstein's)I am kind of figuring out what I am doing in school. My family has the most stability since my parent's divorce five years ago. As of lately, I have been indescribably happy.

The change that makes me bothersome is the change that has happened around me amongst some of my friends. Some are making choices in their lives that will forever change them. I am talking about the not-so-good choices. I guess all I can do is love them unconditionally and be there for them in times of need. Only recently have I realized how amazing my friends are. I have truly amazing people who inspire me to become the best Ryan Snow I can be. They support me no matter the mood I am in and what I desire for my future. They laugh at my non-comical jokes. They bring me ice cream when I'm having a down day. They take me out when I want to stay at home and read. I guess what I am trying to say is that my heart is full. I wish I could go around and thank every individual who has impacted me in some way, but I don't exactly know where I would stop.

THANK YOU

for supporting me through change.

p.s. How awesome would it be to live in Seattle?

advice please

Woops . . .

2010-04-01T23:07:00.001-06:00

So . . .

I got a girl pregnant . . .

APRIL FOOLS!

rofl

Confession

2010-03-30T22:27:00.002-06:00

So lately I have been bathing in new music and discovered that I take most lyrics to heart. They speak to my soul and I find that I connect myself with most songs. Is that a bad thing?

pictures via flickr

Emporer's New Groove

2010-03-28T19:01:00.010-06:00

Do you see these beautiful girls? Yeah. They are my friends. I have two friends in Peru. I am that cool. The other night, I had the opportunity to skype with them. I took a few pictures on my computer but I cannot find them at the moment and I have been looking for a good thirty minutes. My apologies Natalie and Talia. Ok so their names are Natalie and Talia. They are my friends. Even though I am secretly in love with Talia. It's not so much a secret anymore. 24 days until they come home. Talia will be going to Ogden and Natalie will be going to the sunny state of Arizona. I can not wait to be reunited with them. They are all laughs. If you don't know who they are, get on that. They are amazing people to have in your life and amazing friends. The friends that you will have for years and years. See you in a while girls. Talia. I am single.

pictures via Natalie's blog.(i don't know how to do a friggen link)

Never-Ending Lists

2010-03-24T00:21:00.017-06:00

twenty five things that make me smile a little bit . . .

1. Getting warm from the steam of the dishwasher.

2. A new pair of jeans.

3. Fortune Cookies.

4. Seeing Shape-Up's on campus.

5. Getting commission off a $500 sale.

6. Adding music to my iPod.

7. Finishing the whole burrito at Cafe Rio.

8. Making new friends.

9. Watching Polaroids develop before your eyes.

10. "Extra Shot Mondays" and sometimes Tuesdays.

11. Paying it Forward.

12. Hanging with my cousins.

13. Freckles.

14. Beating Super Mario Bros. and Mario Kart.

15. Going out to breakfast with friends.

16. Crossing things off a "To-Do" list.

17. Working hard for a good grade.

18. Getting a girl's number.

19. Banana Cream Pie and Samoa Cookies.

20. Rearranging my furniture.

21. Whitening my teeth.

22. Having sore muscles after working out.

23. Finishing off a gallon of milk.

24. Treating Little Rojita to a nice car wash.

25. Watching flowers bloom in the Spring.

pictures via flickr

Open Your Golden Gate

2010-03-21T23:24:00.003-06:00

I get off the plane. Head to the baggage claim. I've experienced this many times before.I give a quick smirk to the beautiful punk rocker chick that entertained me during the two hour flight. I step outside between the automatic glass doors and am immediately engulfed with the crisp California air that smells of cut grass, salt, and cigarettes. The warm, golden sun feels good on my pale skin. The seventy five degree weather makes me wish I had worn a pair of cut offs and Rainbow sandals. I then glance and find myself admiring the newly washed black Toyota Sequoia that pulled up in front of me. Big arms wrap around me and I then realize that my uncle, with jet black hair perfectly styled on top of his handsome model-like face, had decided to pick me up rather than my over-the-top aunt.

I am home.

The thirty minute drive to Danville seemed like seconds while I was consumed with discussing stocks, life, and girls with my Macedonian uncle. Through out the drive I felt as if the wind in my lungs was taken from me by the beautiful green slopes and hills of California. When I arrived last summer they were golden yellow, but at this time of year they are a lush, deep green that was simply captivating. We get off the freeway in which I was much to familiar with. Winding down a few roads I see Old Blackhawk Rd. and a smile was forced bigger than ever. I step out of the car, grab my luggage, and open the house door without knocking.

I'M HOME!

The two golden retrievers rushed to my side while knocking me down with their weight. Although I won't always admit it, I love these dogs. No matter how much they lick, slobber, and shed. My aunt then rushes in with that loud, high voice of hers, and embraces me for a few minutes.

Had it really been 4 months since I had last seen all of them? It was under completely different circumstances. Loss of a loved one really does bring family together.

We proceeded to catch up for countless hours without missing any details. I can tell the details without worrying about racking up the phone bill. Between sun bathing, hockey games, shopping, laughing, crying, surgery, hockey games, frozen yogurt, longboarding, hugging, kissing, prom, and goodbyes . . . the days passed much too quickly. And here I am, laying in my bed with a bag of Sour Patch Kids, and my Political Science book wishing I were somewhere else. Isn't it funny that no matter where we are, we always wish we were somewhere else?

Back to reality for me. Thank you Spring, for Breaking.

Lonely Boy

Laugh Out Loud

2010-03-17T00:20:00.002-06:00

It is 12:30 and I still have not packed for San Fran. Instead I am watching Gossip Girl while eating Girl Scout Cookies.

I leave at 8 in the morn. It could be worse, right?

I get to see friends and family.

I need this break.

Next time you'll hear from me I'll be in The Bay!

Lonely Boy

Starry Night

2010-03-16T00:21:00.003-06:00

As I sit in my bedroom filled with non-mated socks, and coke cans half full my dancing thoughts prance around in my head. I have a lot on my mind these days. Not in a bad way . . . but just a lot of thinking has taken place. In two days I will be in a bustling city with complete strangers passing by with millions of different stories behind their pasts.

I can't wait.

I am excited for it.

I am excited for the unknown future.

Most days it gives me anxiety but I have this confident feeling that I am ready for it and that good things are coming my way no matter how hard the past few years have been for me.

I am excited for San Francisco.

I am excited for the Summer sun and the countless trips to Bob's Brainfreeze on my longboard just like the times I had in junior high.

I can't wait to travel to China and have my life change for years to come.

I am excited to travel the world with loved ones and grow a little bit with every flight I take.

I am excited to settle down and become a man.

I am excited for my journey to find love. To see if it actually exists beyond film, and recycled paper.

I am excited to have children and to give them endless opportunities.

I am excited for life

Solid Euphoria

2010-03-10T13:45:00.007-07:00

Ok so life at SLCC can be very entertaining. For example, yesterday in my Political Science class I simply over heard a few fellas behind me discussing their weekend plans. I then heard a sentence that will forever be engraved in my head. "I got an eye infection from too much go-go dancing."

Need I say more?

So my dear friend, Amanda here, always meets me in the Student Center every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and usually brings me a lunch, coffee, or water bottle. Basically, I have her eating out of the palm of my hand. Anyways, while walking on campus a few weeks ago I saw a poster that would forever change my life.

CHARLYNE YI STAND UP COMEDY SHOW MARCH 10 AT NOON! FREE!

My stomach dropped and my heart started beating really fast. If any of you are confused on who she is . . . here she is.

So basically I planned my schedule accordingly and luckily had the day off at Urban Blues. But I did have to reschedule my Sign Language Lab to witness this life changing event.

Let's just say that I was laughing before she was even on stage just at the thought. We made eye contact a few times, but I didn't get her number or even propose.

She graced us with her musical talents and she pulled at my heart strings like she did with her guitar.

She was AWESOME

I even got a picture with her. It will be a day that I will never forget. In case you didn't know how excited I was about it, I stayed up late last night just at the thought. Like a child in bed on Christmas Eve. I hope to meet her again some day.

Lonely Boy

A-Listers

2010-03-09T20:46:00.006-07:00

I stole this idea from this amazing blog.

Ashley is a friend and co-worker and is an amazing person. Check her blog out. She is a super talented writer and poet.

Well here are twenty places I would rather be right now ...

1. Sitting at the Golden Gate Park with a Canon Rebel making art out of the simplicity of life.

2.Making sandcastles in the warm, golden sand in Newport Beach.

3. Handing out trinkets to orphans in the Marshall Islands.

4. Consumed in a thrilling novel in Paris.

5. On a boat in Lake Powell surrounded by good company.

6. Watching the rain fall while sitting in a window seat at a cafe in Seattle.

7. On a road trip with Bryan Wright, Ryan Reese, and Ryan Baylis.

8. Running the Barcelona Marathon.

9. Sitting in a box seat on Broadway.

10.Surfing off the coast in Australia.

11.Sitting at Milk, or Ketchup with Lauren Conrad and Brody Jenner talking about life.

12.Sitting on top of an elephant in Thailand.

13. Vibin' on girls in Jersey with ma boiz Vinnie and Pauly D.

14. Designing my own jean line in New York.

15. Fishing off the Alaskan shore with Natalie Allen.

16. Soaring through the air in England on my Firebolt with my invisibility cloak so the muggles won't see me.

17. Signing with the Deaf Community at Gallaudet University.

18. Taking a power nap in a hammock in Jamaica.

19. Catching some rays in Key West.

20.With my mom walking through the cobbled streets in Greece.

(thanks ash. can't wait for smashburger)

I'm Free Falling

2010-03-03T23:16:00.002-07:00

As of lately, I have been hearing these two words come out of my mouth too much. . . "What If..?"

I don't particularly enjoy saying these words, but they seem to linger around my thoughts and enjoy my company.

I feel as if the most crucial years in life are right now.

The pressure to make the right decisions, take the right courses in school, date the right person, and live in the right place are lurking around in all familiar places.

what if life was predictable?

what if I lived in Seattle?

what if I went on a mission?

what if I was a doctor?

what if my soul mate is in another state?

what if I was raised in a different family?

what if the annoying kid in front of me in Psychology caught the swine and couldn't make it to class for a few weeks?

what if I was a millionaire, how would I spend my money?

what if Lauren Conrad discovered that we would make an awesome couple?

what if I could succeed in being a stylist

what if I pursued my running abilities?

what if life was easy?

what if . . .

On My Own

2010-03-02T21:56:00.004-07:00

Love ... What is love? I really want to know. I guess I see it every day. Do you know what love is? Give me the definition.

LOVE[luhv]:noun. 1.tender, passionate affection.

2. Strong, personal liking.

3. Person toward whom love is felt.

Our world revolves around this four letter word. This word is being said at least once every four seconds somewhere in this world. While at work, I counted hearing this word eleven times in a seven hour shift.

"Oh my gosh! I love these Hudson's!" or

"This shirt is only six bucks?! I love it even more!" or my favorite

"I just love these crocheted headwraps! ..."

now is this word being said too much? Do people really love these material items? To me, the word love means someone/thing you cannot live without. Jeans are just jeans. They can be replaced after a few rips and tears. But what about a lover? I see people every day who claim they are in love and yet they break up a few weeks or months after. I don't know what love is. So who am I to judge? I've never been in love. or so I think. "Love" is over rated. Highly unrealistic. Wildly fanciful.

This feeling of love is depicted in books, movies, songs, poetry, advertisements, etc, etc. But is it real? Does love exist? These are my thoughts. And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Lonely Boy.

Upside Down Frowny Face

2010-03-01T21:21:00.003-07:00

Ok ... so I have this confession ...I am an over-analyzer.

My thoughts just race around my head like the horses at the Kentucky Derby. Different scenarios of my life come in to my mind with a variety of outcomes. I like to know what my future looks like. I despise having nothing but the unknown ahead of me.

I love making lists and the sweet feeling of success when I get to cross certain items off. It's like a drug to me. So one of these lists I created was a list of qualities I want in a girlfriend. Of course this list is almost never ending, but some important ones are as follows:

*Funny. Can tell a good joke and laugh at one

*Hard-working. Doesn't just hope to rely on the fruits of my labors

*Confident. Knows who she is and what she wants

*Gamer. Can play Super Mario Bros for a few hours without getting bored

*Loves Harry Potter and Tay Swift(not together of course)

*Is content with being boring on a Friday night and just cozying up in bed while watching a movie or two

*Cares about herself. Working out. Looking nice. Dressing fashionable(call me shallow.)

*Can have a good time at a hoppin dance party

That is only about 1/20 of the list but you get the jist.

Anyways, what I was saying is that I think I have found a girl with 98% of these qualities ... minus she's a Lady Gaga fan ....... yikes.

But anyways I think she may be my Summer Roberts. She just doesn't know I am her Seth Cohen. I am definitely interested. She thinks I am a player cuz I have kissed a few of her friends (hey. it's not my fault) but how do I prove to her otherwise? Blogging world. I need your help. Help a brotha out.

Thanks. Lonely Boy.

Pour Me A Heavy Dose Of Atmosphere

2010-02-27T19:33:00.003-07:00

work off ... check

clothes washed ... check

airline ticket purchased ...check

guest bedroom cleaned ...check

golden retriever hair vacuumed ... check

checks deposited ... check

polaroid film purchased ...check

now all i have to do is ...

wait

San Francisco here I come. Spring Break needs to get here.

fast

My closet is in the process of getting remodeled which forced me to clean and reorganize my room. I came across this quote that my cousin's grandmother Baba said while recovering from a massive stroke.

"Many of us lose confidence in prayer because we do not recognize the answer. We ask for strength and God gives us difficulties which make us strong. We pray for wisdom and God sends us problems, the solution of which develops wisdom. We pray for prosperity and God gives us a brain and brawn to work. We plead for courage and God gives us family to help overcome struggles. We ask for success and God gives us opportunities.

-Nevena Cranney

Heart of Gold

2010-02-25T23:57:00.004-07:00

A cute little lady came in to my work today and was talking to me about life.

She asked about my future and such and I made small talk not really opening up to this complete stranger.

After purchasing a gold necklace and a matching ring she looks up and smiles and says, "Boy, with your charm, I bet your parent's brag about you every hour of the day."

winks.
smiles.
walks off.
left me speechless.
but for some reason I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.

I could have flown to the moon without using a firebolt.

Lonely Boy

Like A Rolling Stone

2010-02-24T16:34:00.008-07:00

I want to be gazing in to your eyes.

I want to see that perfect smile when you realize that I was right and you were wrong.

I want to drive down the streets with the windows down while our hands converse with each other.

I want to stroll down the city while everyone admires your true beauty.

I want to hear your loud, quirky laugh when I tell one of my uncomical jokes.

I want to see your nose crinkle when you realize I'm admiring you.

I want to lie in your bed made of clouds for hours while watching countless movies.

I want to go out with you just so all my friends can be jealous.

I want to go to the gym with you just to hear that voice you do when you complain.

I want to wipe those tears when you have a bad day even though it kills me to see them form.

I want to feel your arms around me when I have no words to say.

I want to listen to your music even when I lie and tell you I hate it.

I want to go to the park and swing for hours on end.

I want to go back to simplicity.

I guess what I want is you.

Lonely Boy

I've Got 99 Problems And They Are All Bitches

2010-02-24T15:47:00.010-07:00

As I lay in bed thinking about my life, all I can say is that I want out of here. Salt Lake has given me all it can offer and I don't see myself living here for very much longer.

girls are lame

It seems as if every girl I think about liking ends up stabbing me in the back and kicking me in the jugular. They all want a return missionary and that aint me. I feel like I don't have anything to offer them yet I always hear how great of a guy I am.

friends are sketchy

It seems as if every friend I have ever had has disrespected me in some way and leaves me in the dust. I have very few real friends and I don't think there are any more for me here in Salt Lake. I have reached my limit. I'm sick of being on some waiting list to hear back from "friends." I am sick of everyone knowing each other. Everyone is connected in some way and it pisses me off. I need out.

school is lame

It seems as if no matter how hard I study and achieve good grades, I don't know what I really want to do. I am currently in the Sign Language Interpreting Program, but what happens after that? I have had my mind set on the Medical field, but is that what I really want to do? In ten years, I will just be starting my career with thousands of dollars of debt. Life is confusing. Nobody comes out of it alive.

utah sucks

It seems as if Utah can offer me nothing. I want warm, sunny air with the smell of salt lingering in my nostrils. I want a big city bustling around with the sounds of laughter, sirens, and music. I want to be surrounded with people who don't place judgement's on others just for their appearances. I want to live in a spacious studio apartment with art hanging from the walls. I want to be able to walk around the city with my camera in my hand making art out of people's lives. If love exists, I want to find it. I want to find a lover. I want a lover who will make me handmade cards and walk in the park with me while laughing about novels, life, and people. I want to wake up next to that person with a smile on my face knowing that happiness does truly exist. I want to walk to work with a coffee in one hand and my blackberry in the other with not a single worry. What I want is change. I am in a love/hate relationship with change. It is inevitable, yet the world attempts to force so much change on all of us every day. I want to move. Get out. Experience life outside of this Utah Bubble. Yes, I am twenty years old and single. Judge me. I want to dive in to culture and life and experience the wonders of the world. I want to wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy. I guess that is all.

Lonely Boy